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Tuesday, December 10, 2013

I almost cried today

but I didn't. It's been over 2 years since last I did. I don't plan on doing that any time soon. I'm not that down yet. You can't break me that easily.

I was just sitting there thinking. Thinking about all the fucked up shit I not only survived, but conquered. Thinking about how I've always been betrayed by those I loved most. Thinking about how it was the one's I thought I could always count on that left me up shit-creek without a paddle. Thinking about how situations which I had no involvement in whatsoever, somehow blew up in my face and left me with another few thousand in losses. I'm cold. I do not have heat. I work over 70 hours a week just to weather the blows I've received this past few years. I have close to nothing, and what I do have is defective and falling apart. I'm close with no one. I am alone. My dreams fade with each passing day. My hope dies with each passing hour. You know you hate your life when you constantly daydream of suicide...

But still, this world can lick my hairy crack! Is that all you got?! It's going to take a lot more than that to take me down. Bring it, world! You have no clue just who you're fucking with. Not only will I not be knocked down, but I'm going to break free of this hell! Even with insignificant amounts of free time, when I'm weary and unmotivated, I still get down to business on my plans to get out of here.

One day I'm going to look back and curse these sorry days. Don't worry, you won't miss it. I'll be broadcast into all of your homes. And on that day, you'll see me with my shit-eating grin, and know that you failed.

I feel better now.

My latest literary project has me a bit overwhelmed at the moment. In my head, it seems simple enough, but when I try to write it down, just the basic outline, it gets convoluted and confusing. I must admit, I am an idea man. I can come up with endless concepts, premises, and myth. The actual translation to paper is where I have the most difficulty. I can talk and explain the whole thing to you effortlessly, but something about the actual, physical product seems insufficient. I'm not very diligent. I would do best working with a team, but there is no team, just me. So I must make do with what I can manage alone. Instead of one massive novel. I have decided to split it up into separate books. The books will seem completely unrelated but they will, in fact, be telling one grand story that reaches across all of time and space. It will be the product of my trying to understand everything. It will essentially be my answer to the greatest question of all: Why are we here?

If you follow any train of logic long enough, things get weird. My search for purpose has been the main focus of my life. I do not believe or disbelieve anything. Each perspective will be represented. For instance, one perspective isn't the Christian perspective. That would imply that all Christians have the same perspective. In actuality, things aren't so clear-cut. People interpret things individually. There are different levels of belief, different takes on the gospel, and different sources referenced. Not only that, but there are innumerable circumstances in our life which affect our belief systems. You must recognize how each person sees their own universe and somehow fuse all of this into one mythos. How to present such a thing?

My one big question for myself is: Have I learned enough to not completely fuck this up?


For as long as he can remember, people have told James he was good for nothing. They told him to get his head out of the clouds. They said only a select few will ever become rich and famous. That he should stop trying for something that wasn't going to happen and focus on what was in front of him now.
    James did not take this advice. Now he sits in his office on the top floor of the 80 story skyscraper that bears his name and laughs to himself at these memories. He never gave up. Not even when, good-naturedly, everyone told him to. He let nothing stand in his path and now he has everything. His loving wife graces the covers of scientific and beauty magazines both. His net worth is astronomical. He's traveled the world over countless times. He speaks 18 languages and his art is priceless.
    He sits with a cigar in one hand and a glass of bourbon in the other. Life is as good as it is ever going to get. There are no more obstacles in his path... and he's bored. He's been bored for quite some time, because even with everything, he's still human, and he still wants more.

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