Don't let me fall into that pit again...
It took all my strength to crawl and scrape and drag myself out the first time. It was unbearable torture with no reprieve. Yet my strength won out in the end. I freed myself of that indescribable hell. I was again myself. No more were the hooks of demons ripping violently at my flesh. But still, it wouldn't last, it never does...
Again the beast came to my door. It creaked and shook with fury. This time it was here for good. Now the monster was going to ensnare me and never let me go. He came so swiftly that I had barely any time to react, but again I made my move and gained victory... but at what cost?
I lost all that was dear to me. I may have driven away the demon, but now I had to live with the aftermath. I had to live with myself, with what I've done. A boulder I'll carry on my back for eternity. There was no going back. Believe me, I tried. Nothing could come close to repairing the rift it created. I was myself again, but what's the point? I have nothing. I've ruined it all.
I live on for one reason. Hope. The hope that one day things will get better. It's all I have and it's next to nothing. Now the real torture begins. How long can I last? The demon is always at my door. I've only known of it's existence. But this time I saw it. It's eyes glowed a fierce crimson and it had two crooked horns. It literally emerged from the wall. I was keeping it in there and it was breaking free. Each day I saw the fury in it's eyes grow. I was terrified and alone, but then again, when am I not?
I won, technically. I had my life and my mind. Everything else was lost in the confrontation.
But life went on, life always goes on, and it doesn't stop for me. I slowly regained a sense of purpose and friends to laugh with. Things were getting better and better.
It came again. It tried to drive me to violence, but I ran. I ran far far away. It always comes back near familiar ground. So I threw it all away. I freed myself yet again from it's grasp. Only I made things worse in the time it tried to grab hold of me. I didn't think that was even possible.
It's been four years since then. I've hidden the door even from myself. It's not safe there. But 2 days ago I walked an invisible path in a world of light. I dive into my mind. I came across an object in this illuminated garden of forked paths. And just like that I stumbled upon the door to my insanity...
And look, it's green.
Hahahaha, it is truly the only color befitting such an agonizing object.
Soaked with tears and sealed in blood.
I fell to my knees. I grabbed the edge of the horrid thing. I won't open it. I thrashed at it screaming bloody murder. I gave into crying at it's feet. It was only then that I noticed it's degrading. It has holes carved into it. I dare not look inside lest the demon escape again. But I knew. It was inches away.
I sat alone and broken until I had forgotten everything. The world seemed to disappear with my thoughts. When it all had left me, I rose to my feet. I was not in the light anymore. Everything had gone dark. The light faded and with it all the beauty and goodness of my mind. Now, in front of me, there was not a door, but a mirror.
I stood in front of the mirror, stared deeply into my own eyes, and saw nothing but darkness...
Then the pitch black eyes that were so fixed in place suddenly fell from their thrones. I tasted my own brains as they gently rolled along the gray matter and mental sewage. I've missed this taste...
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
And I sat down for a moment to read. Upon sitting, I felt it. It was strange and hard to explain, but I shall try, if only to preserve the memory for myself. For you see, strange things happen at seemingly inconsequential moments for apparently no reason at all, but something powerful is happening. It is a constant process of transformation of mind, body, and soul. It only took a moment of rest for the effects to take place. A feeling of happiness, pure and true, to activate the dormant genes. My DNA is shifting. I understand that. It's only part of the process. I shall not die as a mortal man, but rise above and enter the higher plane. These things have been confirmed by others.
It's ridiculous, I must admit, but I am a ridiculous man. I admit to that. I can see what I am doing is peculiar. I have no fear of this obscurity. I do not damn my individuality but, on the contrary, embrace it as a long lost lover. Never shall I let myself fall from this path. You may think I'm insane, and you may be right, but I see no difference between lunacy and genius. They are cut from the same cloth.
I'm losing track though, there is a point to this. I felt what few others have felt. The tingle. It's very similar to temporary loss of circulation. The legs go numb for a moment. You feel as though they have become smokelike. No longer solid and firm. They float below, writhing twisting in the wind. Electricity fills them abundantly. They feel to be pulled off of you, dragged down to our mother. Yet she is not taking but giving. It is an exchange of sorts. You give yourself to her, she takes you in and makes you better, then returns you to yourself. Don't laugh at my beliefs lest I show you the absurdity of your own.
Faith is a strange thing. There is no proof. So how can you know? You just do. That is what faith is all about. And I know what I believe to be true. Who are you to say different? What gives you the right to persecute me for my beliefs? If you don't believe me, then don't. What do I care? I only wish to express it like anyone else.
So here I am, sitting down, book in hand, as this miraculous transformation happens once again. I give her my light, my love, and she accepts it entirely. She takes it and loves me for it. It grows strong with her. It becomes a part of her own light. It glows brilliantly. She takes my offering and gives me back something more. She gives me back the light we have created. A part of myself in her, and a part of her with me. It is only a step to a goal, but an important one. Although most of the work must be done alone in solitude. Only then can one concentrate on what is important. Only then is the truth revealed. This is why most people fear it. They are terrified of change, of the unknown. When the truth weighs down on them they run and hide in fear. They hide amongst others. They hide together.
For the enlightenment to happen, there needs to be space for it in the mind. Space to accept our creator inside our minds so she can do her work to better us. Out of fear of this, we fill our minds with the most trivial bullshit. We literally stuff our minds with useless fucking garbage to keep her out. If you haven't noticed this, you may be lost. There is no hope for thee. But if you see, if you can honestly see what is happening may be there is a chance for your salvation. We have not finished evolving. Do not be content with your inefficiency. You are an unfinished work of art. Please, don't be a dueche. Let yourself become the masterpiece you are meant to be.
And so I felt it, my own personal transformation. It's happened before and it will happen again. It's an ongoing thing. I am not nearly complete. I will not cheat. I shall rise and become a saint for modern times. It is my destiny. You can not convince me otherwise so do not try. If you don't agree just leave me be. I am not hurting anyone. And if I am wrong, let me at least enjoy it. It's one of the few things that brings me any happiness anymore. I have purpose. I am confident in this. Why would you want to rob me of that?
Afterward I stoop up. I felt no numbness or pain. No, my legs did not fall asleep. I stood just fine, had all feeling, if not more, and walked away. I walked straight here to this computer and began to type this. Not a moment was spared. It is all fresh in my head. It has literally just happened. And it filled my entire being with a need to share it. I'm so proud of my progress. I must admit however, I am impatient. I know what's happening, I know what has happened, I know what will happen. There are no surprises left. Yes, I am admitting to seeing the future. And why not? Many prophets have seen the same. Alone in a secluded cave they think and believe. The future comes to them just as it comes to me now. It's not impossible. It's happened.
Knowing the future only makes it more difficult to accept the present. It drags on in seemingly endless seconds of boredom. I do not care for the world as it is. I know what it will be. I see the potential in everyone and everything. I love it for what it will be. I love you for what you will one day be. Yes, I love you deeply, all of you. And I hate you so much. You resist the changes that will inevitably take place. You fight it with all your might. Please stop this frivolity. It will come to pass. Let it. I am. Join me and we will bring forth an era of happiness the likes of which have never been seen. We live in a perfect world, where everyone's like me. Does it scare you?