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Wednesday, December 2, 2015

I stood in front of the mirror, stared deeply into my own eyes, and saw nothing but darkness...

Don't let me fall into that pit again...
It took all my strength to crawl and scrape and drag myself out the first time. It was unbearable torture with no reprieve. Yet my strength won out in the end. I freed myself of that indescribable hell. I was again myself. No more were the hooks of demons ripping violently at my flesh. But still, it wouldn't last, it never does...
Again the beast came to my door. It creaked and shook with fury. This time it was here for good. Now the monster was going to ensnare me and never let me go. He came so swiftly that I had barely any time to react, but again I made my move and gained victory... but at what cost?
I lost all that was dear to me. I may have driven away the demon, but now I had to live with the aftermath. I had to live with myself, with what I've done. A boulder I'll carry on my back for eternity. There was no going back. Believe me, I tried. Nothing could come close to repairing the rift it created. I was myself again, but what's the point? I have nothing. I've ruined it all.
I live on for one reason. Hope. The hope that one day things will get better. It's all I have and it's next to nothing. Now the real torture begins. How long can I last? The demon is always at my door. I've only known of it's existence. But this time I saw it. It's eyes glowed a fierce crimson and it had two crooked horns. It literally emerged from the wall. I was keeping it in there and it was breaking free. Each day I saw the fury in it's eyes grow. I was terrified and alone, but then again, when am I not?
I won, technically. I had my life and my mind. Everything else was lost in the confrontation.

But life went on, life always goes on, and it doesn't stop for me. I slowly regained a sense of purpose and friends to laugh with. Things were getting better and better.
It came again. It tried to drive me to violence, but I ran. I ran far far away. It always comes back near familiar ground. So I threw it all away. I freed myself yet again from it's grasp. Only I made things worse in the time it tried to grab hold of me. I didn't think that was even possible.

It's been four years since then. I've hidden the door even from myself. It's not safe there. But 2 days ago I walked an invisible path in a world of light. I dive into my mind. I came across an object in this illuminated garden of forked paths. And just like that I stumbled upon the door to my insanity...

And look, it's green.

Hahahaha, it is truly the only color befitting such an agonizing object.

Soaked with tears and sealed in blood.

I fell to my knees. I grabbed the edge of the horrid thing. I won't open it. I thrashed at it screaming bloody murder. I gave into crying at it's feet. It was only then that I noticed it's degrading. It has holes carved into it. I dare not look inside lest the demon escape again. But I knew. It was inches away.

I sat alone and broken until I had forgotten everything. The world seemed to disappear with my thoughts. When it all had left me, I rose to my feet. I was not in the light anymore. Everything had gone dark. The light faded and with it all the beauty and goodness of my mind. Now, in front of me, there was not a door, but a mirror.

I stood in front of the mirror, stared deeply into my own eyes, and saw nothing but darkness...

Then the pitch black eyes that were so fixed in place suddenly fell from their thrones. I tasted my own brains as they gently rolled along the gray matter and mental sewage. I've missed this taste...

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