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Friday, February 28, 2014

Seize the carp!

Why do people fear their emotions? Why do they run and hide from beauty? Beauty may not always pretty. Sometimes it is very harsh and painful. It may shred the very desire for life from within our heaving chests. It may bring forth a deluge of tears, but it is life and it is glorious. Embrace your emotions. Live your life while you still have it. Stop cowering like frightened children. Do not let love slip through your fingers. Do not let glory pass you by. Reach out and live! Feel to the fullest capacity. Never apologize for your emotions. You will be laughed at, you will be called crazy, and you will looked down upon, but it does not matter. If you love every second, every emotion, it will be worth it. Each moment you deny yourself is a moment of death. You are dead inside. A walking corpse, a waste of life.

My heart is brimming with beauty, I have no room for pity. You choose this fate. The tragedy is yours alone. I can only ask, and to lead by example. It is up to you whether you follow or not. I push others toward life by my words, my actions, and my art.

The path is simple to follow. Be aware of your thoughts and feelings. Next time you get an urge, focus on your emotions. If what you want to do drips terror into your being, and is not harmful to others, then do it. Do what you are afraid to do and watch the world open up like the red sea. Conquer your fear and boundless treasures await. It is like from going from a fuzzy old black and white tv, to a gigantic 3-D IMAX wrap-around screen with moving chairs. The change is of the most radical. Take this step and never live in fear again.

Odi et Amo

I sometimes wonder about you... if you're happy. And I don't mean happy as in doing okay. I mean happy as in walking on sunshine. I've felt that happiness once. I always hated those types of songs, but there was a time, not long ago when I was that happy. When, for the first time in my life, I heard songs like that and finally understood what they met; really felt it. I'll never forget what that was like, and it was you who gave that to me. So I wish you that, and so much more. Even after all that has happened.

It was Catallus 85 that made me think of you.

Translated it reads:

I love and I hate. Why do I? You may well ask.
I do not know. But I feel and it tortures me.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Tell me what I want because I'm tired of thinking.

I had a good time this past weekend. Not just a moment or two like usual, but an overall good experience with the whole thing. All the running around and good people made me remember what it was like to be happy as a normal thing. I showed people my working template for my upcoming tiny DIY book. I plan to sell/give them out while on tour. The response was good. I don't need any radical changes, just a few details and I can take it to the printer for real. I ended up giving the copy to Voltaire. I mean, think about it, when am I going to see the guy again? Plus I thought he would really get a kick out of it. I like his art, it only seems fair to give him a chance to like mine in return.

I joined another band and stuff. That brings the count to four, and 2 still pending. I think 6 is overkill and probably not a good idea. I also watched season 1 of Bates Motel in 1 sitting, so there's that. I don't really know what to write. This is very diary/journaly. I don't like doing that. So maybe instead of being the usual arrogant prick I am, I'll so a fan suggestion.

If anyone wants me to write or do anything on here in particular, let me know.


Do you want me to do sci-fi, crime, fantasy, horror, romance? Just say and I'll give it a shot. I might just single you out and write a story about how much I hate you. Anything is possible! There's no telling what later will bring. Do you want me to add pictures? Like what? Pretty things? art? my toes? Ask and you might receive!

You see, I've always been concerned with what Tony wants, when I should also be paying attention to what other people think Tony wants.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

The Urge

I have this urge, pretty much all of the time, and it takes every bit of mental strength to keep it at bay. It is to completely destroy everything around me. It's that constant prodding of chaos in wait. I wouldn't actually call the urge a desire to destroy insofar as I would categorize it as the craving for experimentation. You see, in every situation there is a prescribed approved methodology for handling it. Suffice to say, there is a question, and there is a small spectrum or reasonable answers. Or, better yet, there is a problem, and there are sets of procedures commonly followed in order to alleviate the problem. The only exceptions are problems with no clear solution. That's the only time average people will think and play with new solutions. Hiccups, nosebleeds, and the common cold are prime examples. Think of all the harebrained cures we try in those situations.

But, for everything else, like the apes we are, we watch and learn. It is part of growing up, I suppose. Children are most immune to this socialized way of thinking. They have simply not yet been taught the proper way to think. Personally, I despise the proper way of thinking. I WANT CHANGE! I want to see people doing things differently for once. Break down those rigid walls and start something new already! This is my all-consuming urge. I want to do things just because I want to know what will happen if I do. I'm too fucking creative for my own good and this life has no re-dos. When I take a step out of the box, I risk enduring its negative consequences. Consequences I am not sure I want to reap. But, FUCK, I want to know! I play a little with the rules at the time of this writing, but there is still so much more I could do. I do not know how long I can keep this beast at bay. I just want to play. I want to learn. Why is everyone so serious all the time? Don't they understand what is going on? Can't I help them? Should I?


Imagine there is a venereal disease that instantly kills people. Imagine it takes under an hour from exposure for the virus to bond, resulting in that instantaneous death. Now imagine being a carrier of that disease. Everyone who goes down on you dies within the hour. Everyone you fuck dies within the hour.

I would watch that movie.

Female lead. Doesn't believe in premarital sex. Stays celibate. Gets married. Husband dies in honeymoon bed. She freaks out, hides the body. Runs away. Tries to start a new life.  Gets raped. The rapist dies while raping her. Starts using sex to kill people? Fucks bad guys? Criminals? New superhero movie? Or new porno franchise?