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Monday, December 30, 2013

TEST: You will fail.

This sentence is not real. This one is a bold-faced lie. This sentence knows that it is a sentence. This one laughs at the three previous sentences. This sentence knows the second sentence is a lie. This sentence understands the fifth sentence knows the second sentence is lying, thereby making it true, thereby making it false and reinforcing the beliefs of the third sentence. This sentence understands the sixth sentence only brings us back to the first sentence. This sentence understands the difference between the first and second beginnings. This sentence says, "Redo, not restart." This sentence says the opposite of all the other sentences. This sentence proclaims a sentence on the previous sentence to restart the redone to undo what hasn't happened again. This sentence thinks all other sentences are crazy, thus it has transformed itself into a question instead? This sentence has its period at the end of the month. This sentence; is semicolon-ized. This sentence wishes it was an equation, like the next sentence is. LOVE = HATE = 42 The last sentence was not a sentence, thus sentence 15 is lying, thus only the question is true. This sentence is the final sentence. No it is not. That last sentence is the last sentence. All sentences are true.

Have fun wrapping your mind around that shit. Can you feel my dick fucking your brain?

Saturday, December 28, 2013


Reverse reincarnation completely destroys the possibility of free will. If our past lives took place in the future, our next life will occur in the past, and the past had to have happened exactly as it did down to the most minute detail in order for us to exist right now, then our next life is already lived and irrevocably unalterable. Which means this current life is bound by the same rules. Free Will is an illusion caused by our lacking acumen of our current knowledge of future's past. We only seem to be making choices. The choices have long been made. Or is the tangled unknown yet unalterable web of decisions known as Fate actually what Free Will truly is?

Interesting concept. Scarier that it is theoretically possible. There are particles which move backward in time (as far as we guess) so our past is actually their future. So why not us, too? Could our life-forces/souls/whathaveyous be travelling backward in time at the moment of death? Could explain a few things. Such as the term "loss" in relation to deathly matters. We do not say "released." The energy of a person doesn't feel released or freed at the point of death; it feels lost. We have suffered a loss in the family, not a liberation. Could be the soul moving backward through time. Gone from us with our pitiful time-bound technology. We can not reach into the past corporeally. They left us to start a new life in the past.

Many religions and pseudo-religions speak of a coming together and a oneness at the end of existence. It could be they are unknowingly referencing the Big Bang. Eventually we would travel back to the beginning, to the place from whence we came. We would be as one with all things. A singularity the size of a dime. That is our ultimate fate as living creatures. We are only a facet of this oneness experiencing itself, destined to return. An all seeing eye looking at itself. Immanentizing the Eschaton could simply be refering to the light and heat from the Big Bang. In reverse, it would seem as if if the universe itself was becoming bathed in an ultimate brightness which took all of creation and brought it together into one.

It would also explain the negative position on suicide. It's cheating. Skipping the path to absolution. The universe wants to experience itself. Terminating oneself and therefor a camera of the universe, leaving what could have been, unexperienced, would be considered blasphemy.

Just a random thought. Sorry for the brain-hurt. Have a nice day.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

For me, trust is total or nonexistent.

I've been thinking. I live my life based on some very simple rules. They insure my safety and happiness in all situations. I am alive today thanks to my code. I was thinking maybe it would be of benefit to others to share a few of them. I don't have them written down and they usually only come to mind when they are pertinent, but I can give it a shot. I can always edit these later and add more as they come to mind.

-Befriend everyone you meet.
Now I'm not saying you have to hang out with them or maintain contact, but be nice and friendly with everyone you encounter. No harm comes from making friends, but burning bridges could lead to lost opportunities. You might be surprised who comes to the rescue in your time of need.

-Never do or say anything you wouldn't want everyone to know.
This one is simple. Practically nothing stays buried. If you do something you don't want certain people to know about, chances are, they'll find out. More importantly, you are blackmailproof. No one has any sort of leverage on you. You can live comfortably and confidently.

-Keep as close to the truth as possible; especially when lying.
Do your best not to lie. It gets confusing after a while. Lie too much and you run the risk of losing touch with yourself. You get so wrapped up in the lies, you can't remember what's real, and that's just no good. Plus, the more you lie, the higher the risk of getting caught. Not to mention the credibility you lose. It's no fun when no one believes a thing you say.

-Reveal as little as possible to others.
One part refers to the last one. An easy way around lying is simply not mentioning a certain event. If someone asks why you weren't answering your phone, for instance, tell them it was turned off. Which is true and totally acceptable. But don't tell them you turned it off because you didn't want anybody calling you while you were masturbating.

The other part is that people love to fill in the gaps with their imagination. Be an enigma and give out only bits about yourself, leaving ample room to be filled in. People are never going to see the real you anyway. They are simply going to create a mental image of who you are in their minds that will be radically skewed to reflect their views on the world. Thereby preserving their way of seeing life, without all the scary things that don't conform to it and frighten them.

-Be skeptical of everything.
We, as humans, are all given the same tools for understanding reality. Just because some lazy asshole accepts what is told to him without questioning, then tries to pass it off onto you as fact, doesn't mean shit. Make them convince you. If they can not, then they are knowledgeable enough on that subject to be opening their fat mouth about it anyway. Take everything with a grain of salt. They may have hidden motives that are unknown to you at this moment.

-Trust completely or not at all.
This has been altered from Trust No One. (and honestly runs the risk of being switched back.) Only when someone has proven their trustworthiness to you many many times over a long period of time should they even be considered as someone you can trust. Nearly everyone is an opportunistic scumbag who seeks their gain even at the price of your ruin. DO NOT FORGET THAT.  Only when someone has gone above and beyond and you feel completely at ease and have tested them thoroughly, should you trust them. And when you do, hide nothing from them. Drop your guard entirely. If you can not do that, then you don't actually trust them.

-Never be the cause of any problem.
This one is simple. Don't start shit. Don't be an asshole. If everybody around you is happy and having fun, don't start pissing everyone off. Don't cause a scene and ruin their good time. Don't be the only motherfucker complaining when everyone else is fine. If a problem exists solely through your actions, then I'm sorry, but you are a fuckhead. If that wasn't clear, picture this: You and your friends sit down and watch a movie. Everyone is enjoying it. Everyone but that one fucking guy on the end who won't shut the fuck up about how he can't stand the flick. Fuck that guy. Don't do that.

-Keep your word always.
Simple. If people trust you, they like you more. If you can be depended upon, you are held in higher esteem. And if you can keep a secret, you'll learn some seriously interesting shit.

-Never stop learning.
Learning is the ultimate cure-all. It betters you in every way. Learn new facts, skills, theories, abilities, concepts, languages, everything and anything you can get your hands on. I could write a book on this one point alone. Do it. Shut up, and do it.

-Trust yourself foremost.
This works on two levels. First, if something doesn't feel right, or doesn't seem right, it usually isn't.

Secondly, (and this applies to my own life) if you feel the random need to do something, do it. I can't tell you how many sticky situations I've avoided by following this rule. Simple things like walking 10feet to my left, turning at a different street than usual, or waiting 5 more minutes, have drastically changed situations for the better and have even saved my life. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm telepathic or some shit. I don't know. But I do know that randomly I get a weird urge to do something for seemingly no logical reason and some butterfly effect shit happens and that insignificant action has major positive consequences.

-Do not believe anything.
Believing in something limits possibilities and creates bias within your mind.

-Do not disbelieve anything.
What the fuck do you know? Anything could be true. Disbelieving in God is believing God doesn't exist and what the fuck did I just tell you about believing in shit?

-Never do anything you don't want to do.
Our lifetime is all we know of life. Our lifetime is less than nothing in the grand scheme of things. You don't have time to waste. So don't force yourself to sit through anything you don't want for any reason.

-Live life the right way now, and don't worry about the future.
If you're following these rules, (especially the learning one. Really. The learning one. Do it.) then you are already doing all you can possibly do at this moment. You're bettering yourself daily, being a good person, meeting new people, and networking in new ways. Don't worry. You're fine. Everything is going to be alright.

-Do not take anything seriously.
The very concept of life is a ridiculous joke. So laugh. Nothing matters.

-Experience new things whenever possible.
This is similar to the learning one. Always say yes. Never do something twice in the same way. Take a new way home from work. Try a new food. Shop at a different store. Fuck routine. Routine is death.

-Judge for yourself.
A person's recollection of an event is generally less than 20% accurate. (And I'm rounding up) This is why eye-witness testimonies don't mean shit. Then if one person tells another, the accuracy drops even further. By the time it gets to you, it's complete bullshit. Judge by first-hand account or not at all.

-Everyone is equal.
We're all basically built the same. No one has power, authority, or divine knowledge. You give others power over yourself. You submit yourself to authority. And anyone speaking of Truth or God is either deranged or trying to scam you.

-There are no rules.
There aren't. We made up all the rules. From rights, to laws, to social etiquette. Someone just like you came up with all that shit to benefit himself. Those who benefit maintain those rules. They have guns. You do not. If you disobey, they will threaten you with those guns. They are thugs. If you cause too many problems they will shoot you. This is why we follow those rules. We do not wish to be shot. End of story. Not until we find something worth being shot over do we fight the system.

-Money has no value.
It's green paper. That's all. It only has value if you believe it has value. A lot of people have resigned to that belief. It does not make it true.

-You can not own anything.
Soon you will be dead. You will lose all earthly possessions. Everything we have is borrowed. You can not own anything. You are not immortal. One day you will give everything back. So quit hoarding.

-You are already dead.
You are meaningless. You are less than meaningless. You practically do not even exist at all. Remember this.

-Nothing matters.
You're a dead man borrowing things for a time that is basically over before it began. In 200 hundred years, no one will know you ever lived. Relax, everything is pointless.

This is a wonderful place we live in. Experience it while you can.

That's it for now. I always seem to remember more when trying to make a list of them. I feel as if I have only just started naming them. I guess there are more than I realized. Oh well. I'm going to bed now. Goodnight. Be well.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Why Are You Such A Stupid Asshole? Do You Really Want To Know?

James Maldano was 36, single, and lazy. He lived in a small studio apartment with his cat, Henry. He worked a pointless job, making hardly any money, most of which went to beer and pot. He liked videogames and crosswords. In short, he was a nobody. Not until he won the lottery did anybody give one shit about him. Suddenly, he was skyrocketed up the social ladder. Everybody wanted to be his friend, but more importantly, everyone wanted his money. He became sick of it all. He thought to himself, "How do rich people do it? I can't stand this incessant pandering."

So he decided he would join the financial elite and ask them. His attempts to penetrate the social circles of the rich and influential failed miserably. They wanted nothing to do with a boorish nouveau riche simpleton like himself. When he drew near them, they would start speaking French and laugh at him. He didn't fit in anywhere.

Still, he persisted. One night, after dinner, some of the rich folk were in the smoking room having a conversation about our Mr. Maldano. He was becoming intolerable to them. They decided that if he was going to be such a kissass, they might as well use it to their advantage. Possibly, they can use him as a whipping boy, which might be fun. And maybe they could even hammer in some manners into the idiot. They would invite him to their next Federation of American Gastronomers meeting and see how he fared.

When the invitation came, James was elated. It was printed on fancy paper with lots of swirly letters. It even smelled fancy. The day of the party, James put on his most expensive clothes and headed over to the country club. Finally, he was going to learn their well kept secrets.

After the valet parked his ferrari with the others, he was ushered into a grand hall. He looked around and something dawned on him. No one here was eating. He checked the tables, but all they held was water and wine. He asked where the food was. This is a foodie club afterall. They told him to wait. It was still being prepared and would be brought out soon. He asked what type of things they'd be eating. "Only the best and rarest things, to be sure." was the response of the man standing next to him. He introduced himself as Walter Pemrose, an astrological financier. Walter explained, " Tonight we will be having a very rare delicacy indeed. Something only the richest of the rich can afford."

10 minutes later, a great set of doors in the back of the hall opened. Someone shouted, "Take your places! The meal is about to be served!" You can imagine the shock when, through the doors, marched a parade of naked men. Weirder still, each one of them had massive throbbing hard-ons. James did not know what to do. Sure, rich people are weird, but why would they have naked men serve their meal? And why do they all have giant boners? AND WHERE'S THE FOOD?

James watched in complete astonishment as the nude men proceeded to hop up onto the tables and start whacking off. He thought he was being fucked with, and started to laugh to himself. Rich people sure know how to pull a prank. That was until the first man took a wine glass, walked up to the table, and filled it with fresh warm jizzum. He rolled it around in his glass. He admired to bouquet, then drank. James almost shit himself. What the fuck is wrong with rich people?!

He stood frozen as it was explained that the man who just spewed his load into a wine glass was fed on nothing but asparagus for weeks, producing a powerfully rich flavor, and was "milked" repeatedly for the first few days, then was required to save up for the event. He was softly massaged since 8 this morning. This was the process which yielded the greatest volume, and the preferred method of true gastronomers.

Walter returned to James' side as soon as he noticed the look on his face. "Mr. Maldano." he said "What exactly is the matter?"

James replies flatly, "This is the gayest thing I have ever seen."

"How dare you?" exclaims Walter. "There is nothing homosexual about this."

James looks him dead in the eye and says, "There is everything homosexual about this. Now I'm going home. I'm not about to swallow a glass of splooge with you and your cronies."

James could hear Walter yelling, "We are connoisseurs of exotic flavors! If you're going to think so basely, then get out and never come back! You'll never be one of us!" as he strode out the front doors and asked the valet for his car.

"Fuck everyone." thought James as he cruised along the highway. "I'm going to buy a cabin in the middle of nowhere and never speak to another person again for as long as I live."

Friday, December 20, 2013

I'll grab you by the hair and cut your whole body off.

There are 2 kinds of intellectuals. Type A and Type B.

Type A intellectuals are the ones who flaunt their thinking muscle in front of others as much as possible. They're showoffs and braggarts. They can be highly intelligent or fairly intelligent. It does not matter. They are the type to bring up random information for no discernible reason other than to boost their own ego. They are constantly telling everyone in earshot about what they've just learned or are currently learning. They make others feel bad with their knowledge. They use it as a weapon to put others down. They're full of themselves, total narcissists. They can vary in demeanor. You have the Arrogant, the Faux-Teacher, the Encyclopedia, the Helper, the Asshole, the Prick, the One-Upper, and the Bully.

The Arrogant is the one who thinks he's better than everyone else. The one who thinks he has no enemies. The one that believes everyone looks up to him because he's obviously smarter than everyone. Challenge his ego and beware. He absolutely refuses to see the truth. The Arrogants are profoundly annoying. If possible, they are best ignored.

The Faux-Teacher is the asshole who acts like a knowitall under the guise of spreading knowledge. Whenever he spews an unnecessary amount of information out in public, it's not because he's trying to put everyone down, it's because he wants to teach everyone something new, or so he says. Don't let these pricks fool you. Even if no one is paying attention, cares, or even if they already know the information, the Faux-Teacher will continue talking. They are best avoided or confronted very very bluntly. Tell them to shut the fuck up and be on your way. Do not indulge them.

The Encyclopedia is the fucker who knows a bit about everything. They aren't so bad, but they still suck. These are the bastards who constantly regurgitate tiny facts on every topic and object nearby. You can't talk to them about anything or take them anywhere because they consistently derail the conversation with bits of knowledge no one gives a fuck about. If that doesn't bother you, they can be okay as casual friends.

The Helper is the little shit who gives you way too much information whenever you need a simple answer. There is no such thing as a simple answer for them. You ask for the name of a movie and you'll get the entire biography of the director, the full names of all cast and crew, actor bios, and related films. Dealing with them is simple, do not ask them questions; ever.

The Asshole is very similar to the Arrogant, except the Asshole is way more intense. Everyone hates the Asshole. He believes it is because they are jealous, or joking. But no, everyone hates the fucking Asshole. The protection around his ego is indestructible. Unless you are prepared for a long, bloody war, give up and walk away. It's not worth it. Anything you say or do will only fuel their ego.

The Prick saves his bullshit until the worst possible time. He lives to put others down. He has no delusions about himself. He owns it. He is smart and he openly loves to make people feel stupid. He's a contemptible character, but at least he is honest. Advice: deal with it.

The One-Upper always feels challenged. He suffers from a compulsion to always prove his intelligence. If someone says anything remotely smart, expect a new piece of knowledge from the face-hole of this douche. Negative conditioning works well with them. Whenever they one-up someone, reprimand them or give them a disapproving look. When they understand what they're doing, praise them for holding their tongue. This generally works, especially if you are someone they care about, and are gentle with them. They can be great friends.

The Bully also has no delusions about himself. He hates everyone who doesn't know every bit of knowledge he knows and will not be shy to show it. He is aggressive and angry. The more intelligent the Bully is, the more of a fuckhead he is. Kick this guy's ass.

These are some, but not all of the kinds of people who use the gift of intelligence wrongly. They use intellect to make those around them feel stupid.

Type B on the other hand, use intelligence to legitimately help those around them. Others feel smarter and more capable around Type B. They spread knowledge where it is needed. You may not even realize a Type B is an intelligent person for some time. Their intellect shows itself in much more subtle ways. The very smart and the very dumb usually recognize them more quickly than most. Their aim is to help. They can be nice and they can be mean. They can do things in ways that are nearly imperceptible. They generally prefer to pull strings and covertly test others. They use their intelligence, but not obviously. There are as many varieties of Type B as Type A, but I am tired. Perhaps I will go into that later.

The main point here, is Type A spreads stupidity with intellect, while Type B spreads understanding with intellect. Recognize the difference and save yourself from some heartache.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Gimme Your Biggest Strongest Cheapest Drink

I don't feel like saying shit! Here, read this next thing in a cheesy olden time radio newspaperman voice!

Story or whatever


Eccentric billionaire couple Anthony and Patricia Time have gone missing when their 
private jet disappeared over the Bermuda Triangle. The Times took off from JFK at 8 AM 
this Tuesday never to be heard from again!

Sole heir to their incredible fortune is their only son, Justin.

Friday, December 13, 2013


When I was young I developed quire a strange habit. You see, as a child, I was very open-minded. I would try just about anything and liked most of what I tried. The problem was that most of my contemporaries abhorred anything new or different. A good example is food choices. I've always loved food, all food. So when we were having chicken nuggets for dinner, I was excited like every other kid. (Yay! Chicken nuggets!) When we had something out of the ordinary, like seafood, I was still excited. (Yay! Seafood!)

Most kids didn't think that way. They'd make faces and refuse to eat new things. So an unwanted pattern developed. Whenever an adult noticed I liked something strange that they liked, they would obsess over it. In their mind, broccoli rabe, pickles, scallops, or whatever instantly became my favorite food item because I tried it and liked it that one time. So every conversation with them became the same shit. "Hey Anthony, I got some broccoli rabe yesterday and saved some in the fridge just for you because I know how much you love it." "They have scallops on the menu. Well I know what Anthony's going to order." Hey Ant, come over here. I have something special for you. It's a pickle. Your favorite."

None of that shit was my favorite food! I liked it, yeah, but not all the fucking time! It became the sole topic of discussion whenever I was around those people. They would talk of nothing else and never fail to bring it up whenever I crossed their field of vision. This would lead to me eventually hating that person and that food/band/color.

And it still hasn't fucking stopped! I know what I fucking like! Shut the fuck up already! Did you think that maybe I forgot that I liked The Misfits and needed you to constantly remind me by throwing up the devil horns and screaming, "JERRY ONLY!!!!" in my face every time you see me? What the fuck?! Really?!

The worst part of it all is that I love a lot of different things and know tons of people from all over. So each little group focuses on one aspect of my personality and drives it into the ground. There are people who only talk to me about books. Whenever they read a new book, whenever I read a new book, whenever there are books within 50 feet of us, I have to hear about it. Other subjects of irritation: cult movies, horror movies, sci-fi movies, punk music, psychobilly, drums, cassette tapes, black clothes, craft beer, cats, videogames, skateboarding, Japanese jazz, coffee, hating other people, food of all varieties, that one band no one else you know has ever heard of, my hot friends, hardcore music, baking, my job, poetry, writing, and I've barely scratched the surface.

It's gotten to the point where I can pin down exactly when and where you know me from based on the nickname you called me by, and the first subject you bring up. Fuck memory! If you walk up to me, call me Weasel, and ask if I still like CKY, then hi, we went to highschool together. We met sometime in 2004 or 5, and you hung out with the skateboarders. Great to see you again, asshole! Now, fuck off please!

Did I mention that I don't care about anyone? If you don't know me now, there's a reason. Go away. I could care less that you knew of me once.

Is that mean? Is that wrong? Why am I expected to give a damn about anything and everything? If someone walked up to you, knew your name, and wanted to talk about the proper way to fold your laundry, would you give a fuck? Or would you wish that person would stop so you can just go away? Most of you will probably sit through that boring lecture about something you don't care about from someone you hardly know. I won't. If I want to fucking leave I'm going to get up and go. Deal with it.


If a tree falls in the woods, lands on, and kills the only man near enough to hear it, does his death make a sound?

Thursday, December 12, 2013



My heart began to race. My chest began to hurt. It felt as if the floor dropped out from under me and suddenly I didn't know where I was or what I was doing. It became extremely difficult to keep my balance. I felt cold, but was sweating profusely by this point. My hands proceeded to tremble as my stomach heaved. I thought, "This is it. I am going to die." It felt funny, so unexpected. There was still so much left undone, still so many many years left to live.

The feeling continued. I felt the beginnings of a headache. I felt a very sharp, piercing pain under my left arm. I knew it was the end. At any moment I would at last know the unknowable. I had trouble moving. I just stood there breathing, wondering which breath would be my last. When, suddenly, the feeling disappeared.

And I felt...


Tuesday, December 10, 2013

I almost cried today

but I didn't. It's been over 2 years since last I did. I don't plan on doing that any time soon. I'm not that down yet. You can't break me that easily.

I was just sitting there thinking. Thinking about all the fucked up shit I not only survived, but conquered. Thinking about how I've always been betrayed by those I loved most. Thinking about how it was the one's I thought I could always count on that left me up shit-creek without a paddle. Thinking about how situations which I had no involvement in whatsoever, somehow blew up in my face and left me with another few thousand in losses. I'm cold. I do not have heat. I work over 70 hours a week just to weather the blows I've received this past few years. I have close to nothing, and what I do have is defective and falling apart. I'm close with no one. I am alone. My dreams fade with each passing day. My hope dies with each passing hour. You know you hate your life when you constantly daydream of suicide...

But still, this world can lick my hairy crack! Is that all you got?! It's going to take a lot more than that to take me down. Bring it, world! You have no clue just who you're fucking with. Not only will I not be knocked down, but I'm going to break free of this hell! Even with insignificant amounts of free time, when I'm weary and unmotivated, I still get down to business on my plans to get out of here.

One day I'm going to look back and curse these sorry days. Don't worry, you won't miss it. I'll be broadcast into all of your homes. And on that day, you'll see me with my shit-eating grin, and know that you failed.

I feel better now.

My latest literary project has me a bit overwhelmed at the moment. In my head, it seems simple enough, but when I try to write it down, just the basic outline, it gets convoluted and confusing. I must admit, I am an idea man. I can come up with endless concepts, premises, and myth. The actual translation to paper is where I have the most difficulty. I can talk and explain the whole thing to you effortlessly, but something about the actual, physical product seems insufficient. I'm not very diligent. I would do best working with a team, but there is no team, just me. So I must make do with what I can manage alone. Instead of one massive novel. I have decided to split it up into separate books. The books will seem completely unrelated but they will, in fact, be telling one grand story that reaches across all of time and space. It will be the product of my trying to understand everything. It will essentially be my answer to the greatest question of all: Why are we here?

If you follow any train of logic long enough, things get weird. My search for purpose has been the main focus of my life. I do not believe or disbelieve anything. Each perspective will be represented. For instance, one perspective isn't the Christian perspective. That would imply that all Christians have the same perspective. In actuality, things aren't so clear-cut. People interpret things individually. There are different levels of belief, different takes on the gospel, and different sources referenced. Not only that, but there are innumerable circumstances in our life which affect our belief systems. You must recognize how each person sees their own universe and somehow fuse all of this into one mythos. How to present such a thing?

My one big question for myself is: Have I learned enough to not completely fuck this up?


For as long as he can remember, people have told James he was good for nothing. They told him to get his head out of the clouds. They said only a select few will ever become rich and famous. That he should stop trying for something that wasn't going to happen and focus on what was in front of him now.
    James did not take this advice. Now he sits in his office on the top floor of the 80 story skyscraper that bears his name and laughs to himself at these memories. He never gave up. Not even when, good-naturedly, everyone told him to. He let nothing stand in his path and now he has everything. His loving wife graces the covers of scientific and beauty magazines both. His net worth is astronomical. He's traveled the world over countless times. He speaks 18 languages and his art is priceless.
    He sits with a cigar in one hand and a glass of bourbon in the other. Life is as good as it is ever going to get. There are no more obstacles in his path... and he's bored. He's been bored for quite some time, because even with everything, he's still human, and he still wants more.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Why is it so hard to find...

a nice sweet girl who looks like she just crawled out from a tomb, hates everyone and everything, reads excessively, and wants to run away with me to live together in a cave deep in the woods where we will argue about the meaning of death, have obscene amounts of sex, and sustain ourselves on small children we lure into the woods with sweet music, then capture and devour?

I know, right?

So this little project here is going very well. I like to write. I would like people who are interested in reading my mind poop to have the ability to do so. I need practice and this is just that. It's a brainstorming/practice space for my literary mind. I hope you are all enjoying it. It makes me glad to see the pageviews swell. So thanks for the ego boost. Although, based on the content of my work, I'm forced to wonder just what the hell is wrong with you. I mean, what kind of person would regularly read this nonsense? You probably have issues. Just saying. But it's okay, I still like you. Thanks for reading, ya little screwballs.

Lately, I've been really into the sound of gross. If you want to know what I mean, just go on youtube and look up The Monsters, Stitch Hopeless and the Sea Legs, or Banane Metalik. Or click this

I'll be uploading some songs I did when I was bored soon under the name Selfdefeater. I'll post a link when that happens. I have some crap online already if you didn't know. I'll include some of those tracks on the Selfdefeater bandcamp page. You can check those out here


That's it. No story or anything. Just a message from me to you. We don't talk enough.

Friday, December 6, 2013

I Didn't Used To Be This Pissed Off

But the stupidity of the world around me changed that real quick.

When I was a child, I was always extremely curious. I never had much interest in people, but the world... the world was a wondrous place. It was so beautiful and so full of mystery. My parents thought I might be a little retarded at first because I never paid much attention to humans. I didn't speak my first words early, and I always had this big dumb, wide-eyed look on my face. I wasn't brain damaged, I was just in awe of this world. Humans kept getting in between me and it. No, I wasn't dumb, I just didn't give one single fuck about people.

I developed the habit very early of wondering why, but not vocally asking why. I believe this is the true meaning of "QUESTION EVERYTHING." I would see other dumb monkeys asking the bigger, yet equally dumb, monkeys why things were. At this point, I had already been asking myself these questions, and was starting to get a good idea of the answer. So I'd eavesdrop a bit, and everytime, I would hear the most inane bunch of horseshit. There was no way in fuck these answers were even remotely correct. Don't fucking tell children this garbage! But they did, and I shut out the world of people even more.

Grown-ups had the most ridiculous  responses when I prompted them with a question. Either they would blatantly shoot me down with remarks like, "You're too young to be thinking about that." or "becuase it is." "Because it is" is no fucking way to answer any question ever! I would hear people give me answers like that and I would wish I was bigger so I could kick their fuckin ass. Or they would simply ignore me.

Early on I could already see that I was stuck in some big, dumb hell. If these were the creatures that populate and control the world, then I'm in for one shitty ride.

The first time I was introduced to religion, I thought it was a joke. Sitting in church, I'm trying so hard not to laugh as I thought to myself, "There's no fucking way you guys believe this shit. Come on, quit pulling my leg and tell me you're all kidding. That this is some elaborate joke to mess with us." When I realized it wasn't. I got scared. Very very scared.

Yes, it is true that I hate people. I will not deny that. But do you know why I hate them so much? It is because I fear them. I fear the big, dumb unconscious collective that rules my destiny. I fear the parents that bought me toys when I asked for tools and scientific equipment. I fear the authority figure with the laughable IQ. I fear the minds that accept blindly the information fed to them, and never once ask themselves why. I'm afraid, I'm sad, I'm alone, and I always will be.

I want to change things. I'm trying to change things. I'm trying to be patient with you. It can be difficult when you do not want to learn. The only quality in people I've ever loved is the desire to learn. I don't care how fucked up, behind, or slow you are. If you want to learn, I will teach you. And I did not say I will try to teach you, I said I WILL teach you. As long as you have the will to learn, I can teach you anything you want to know.

I get angry. I get very uncontrollably angry sometimes. All I wanted to do was learn and create, but I was not allowed to, so my desire to build was stifled. I became apathetic and full of hate. I'm irreversibly fucked. And if I had the chance, I'd burn this whole fucking world down.


It was Jeremy's fist day of school. First Grade, the long journey begins! He'd never been to a school before. He was a bit afraid, but his fear was overcome with excitement. New things! He loved new things! The previous weeks were full of shopping for all of these beautiful objects he'd always wanted: sleeves of paper, folders, pencils, a pencil sharpener, and  a small case to keep it all together. These were his things. These were tools of the mind. These were powerful in the right hands.

Although during his math lesson that day, Jeremy kept getting frustrated. It was not because he didn't understand the material, it was just that he felt there was something missing at every step. It hurt his brain to think so simply. 1+1?  What is one? If One is an apple, and I drop the apple, and it breaks, what are those pieces?! They can't be one. The whole apple was one! And one is the smallest number there is! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!       And why is it always +? Every problem is blank plus blank. What if I want to go the other way? How would I do that? Can I do that?

So Jeremy raised his hand when prompted, and asked his simple question, "We keep going one way, with the plus thing. What if I want to go back, the other way? What's the other way?" The teacher gave him a perplexed look and asked, "What do you mean? This is addition. There is no direction, silly boy."   Jeremy thinks for a moment and replies, "What I mean is, what is the opposite of addition? We keep putting things together, isn't there a way to take them apart?" The teacher laughs, "Oh, you mean subtraction! No, we're not learning that yet. That is for later. Today, we are only learning addition." At this Jeremy can't help but say, "But I want to learn the other one, subtraction, too. This is school. You're supposed to teach me things in school. Teach me subtraction, just the basics, I can figure out the rest." The teacher has had enough of this. She gives him a hard look and says sternly, "No! Today we are learning addition and nothing else. Now keep your mouth shut if you don't have anything to say about addition!"

Tears welled up in the little boy's eyes, but he held them back, and tentatively raised his hand one more time. The teacher let out a great sigh, put her hands on her hips and asked him what he wanted now. He quietly let out his small question, "What's in between numbers?" At the utterance of these words, his face flushed red and he thought he might cry. Having put up with enough crap already from this snotty little shit, the teacher simply barked out, "Jeremy! You are not to speak again for the rest of the class!"

Jeremy stared down at his papers. He kept his hand folded neatly together under his desk, his legs tight together, and felt hatred taking root in his mind.

"Now I want all of you to come to the front of the room and sit indian style in front of me." Ordered the teacher, "I'm going to read a story to you."

The class gets up, shuffles forward, and sits cross-legged in a semi-circle in front of the teacher. All but Jeremy, who is sitting on his knees. The teacher was at her limit with this disobedient boy. "Jeremy!" she barks, "I told you to sit indian style!" He has no idea what the fuck she's talking about. He's sitting on the floor in the half-circle with all of the other kids. Why is she so pissed? "I said..." she yells louder, "to sit indian style! Don't sit on your knees like that! Sit like an indian!" Jeremy is just staring at her. How the hell is he supposed to know how indians sit? And he was sure there wasn't some mysterious force controlling them, rendering them incapable of sitting however they chose. So what is this madwoman yelling about?

The teacher kept staring at him, waiting for him to do something. He had no idea what was expected of him, else he would do it. "You do know how indians sit, don't you?" She yelled even louder this time.

Jeremy thought for a minute. He knew nothing about indians, and he was sitting there just like all the other kids.

 Finally, it's his turn to raise his voice. He looks the old hag right in the eye and exclaims, "I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about!"

Tuesday, December 3, 2013



My thoughts are my only real company. They hide me away where no one can reach me. They can be dark and old, full of mystery and wonder, and delicate and beautiful. They keep me safe from the dangers of a cruel, hopeless world.


My mind is a jumble... I mean, a jungle. Thoughts and dreams grow and branch out and hang and fall. I am the king of this jungle. I am the lion that roams without fear.


I am myself reliant upon self-reliance. I stand alone. Alone, but not lonely? re: lions. I myself suffer lions, or is it suffer lie-ons?


Clear-cutting is an awful way to explore a jungle. Wandering aimlessly into the depths of the unknown is equally and oppositely as awful. Explore, but trail your crumbs, lest the lions take you. Alliance with the lions. Suffer the silence.


Solitude is silent. It is peaceful, and calming... and dead. A jungle with no life is no jungle. It is a petrified forest.


I've slashed and burned these trees time and time again, yet they still continue to grow. I want this soil barren. I want these thoughts dead.


That's how many days

          since I last held you.