Seize the carp!

Why do people fear their emotions? Why do they run and hide from beauty? Beauty may not always pretty. Sometimes it is very harsh and painful. It may shred the very desire for life from within our heaving chests. It may bring forth a deluge of tears, but it is life and it is glorious. Embrace your emotions. Live your life while you still have it. Stop cowering like frightened children. Do not let love slip through your fingers. Do not let glory pass you by. Reach out and live! Feel to the fullest capacity. Never apologize for your emotions. You will be laughed at, you will be called crazy, and you will looked down upon, but it does not matter. If you love every second, every emotion, it will be worth it. Each moment you deny yourself is a moment of death. You are dead inside. A walking corpse, a waste of life.

My heart is brimming with beauty, I have no room for pity. You choose this fate. The tragedy is yours alone. I can only ask, and to lead by example. It is up to you whether you follow or not. I push others toward life by my words, my actions, and my art.

The path is simple to follow. Be aware of your thoughts and feelings. Next time you get an urge, focus on your emotions. If what you want to do drips terror into your being, and is not harmful to others, then do it. Do what you are afraid to do and watch the world open up like the red sea. Conquer your fear and boundless treasures await. It is like from going from a fuzzy old black and white tv, to a gigantic 3-D IMAX wrap-around screen with moving chairs. The change is of the most radical. Take this step and never live in fear again.

Odi et Amo

I sometimes wonder about you... if you're happy. And I don't mean happy as in doing okay. I mean happy as in walking on sunshine. I've felt that happiness once. I always hated those types of songs, but there was a time, not long ago when I was that happy. When, for the first time in my life, I heard songs like that and finally understood what they met; really felt it. I'll never forget what that was like, and it was you who gave that to me. So I wish you that, and so much more. Even after all that has happened.

It was Catallus 85 that made me think of you.

Translated it reads:

I love and I hate. Why do I? You may well ask.
I do not know. But I feel and it tortures me.

Tell me what I want because I'm tired of thinking.

I had a good time this past weekend. Not just a moment or two like usual, but an overall good experience with the whole thing. All the running around and good people made me remember what it was like to be happy as a normal thing. I showed people my working template for my upcoming tiny DIY book. I plan to sell/give them out while on tour. The response was good. I don't need any radical changes, just a few details and I can take it to the printer for real. I ended up giving the copy to Voltaire. I mean, think about it, when am I going to see the guy again? Plus I thought he would really get a kick out of it. I like his art, it only seems fair to give him a chance to like mine in return.

I joined another band and stuff. That brings the count to four, and 2 still pending. I think 6 is overkill and probably not a good idea. I also watched season 1 of Bates Motel in 1 sitting, so there's that. I don't really know what to write. This is very diary/journaly. I don't like doing that. So maybe instead of being the usual arrogant prick I am, I'll so a fan suggestion.

If anyone wants me to write or do anything on here in particular, let me know.

THIS ONE'S FOR YOU, YA DICK-BAGS.

Do you want me to do sci-fi, crime, fantasy, horror, romance? Just say and I'll give it a shot. I might just single you out and write a story about how much I hate you. Anything is possible! There's no telling what later will bring. Do you want me to add pictures? Like what? Pretty things? art? my toes? Ask and you might receive!

You see, I've always been concerned with what Tony wants, when I should also be paying attention to what other people think Tony wants.

The Urge

I have this urge, pretty much all of the time, and it takes every bit of mental strength to keep it at bay. It is to completely destroy everything around me. It's that constant prodding of chaos in wait. I wouldn't actually call the urge a desire to destroy insofar as I would categorize it as the craving for experimentation. You see, in every situation there is a prescribed approved methodology for handling it. Suffice to say, there is a question, and there is a small spectrum or reasonable answers. Or, better yet, there is a problem, and there are sets of procedures commonly followed in order to alleviate the problem. The only exceptions are problems with no clear solution. That's the only time average people will think and play with new solutions. Hiccups, nosebleeds, and the common cold are prime examples. Think of all the harebrained cures we try in those situations.

But, for everything else, like the apes we are, we watch and learn. It is part of growing up, I suppose. Children are most immune to this socialized way of thinking. They have simply not yet been taught the proper way to think. Personally, I despise the proper way of thinking. I WANT CHANGE! I want to see people doing things differently for once. Break down those rigid walls and start something new already! This is my all-consuming urge. I want to do things just because I want to know what will happen if I do. I'm too fucking creative for my own good and this life has no re-dos. When I take a step out of the box, I risk enduring its negative consequences. Consequences I am not sure I want to reap. But, FUCK, I want to know! I play a little with the rules at the time of this writing, but there is still so much more I could do. I do not know how long I can keep this beast at bay. I just want to play. I want to learn. Why is everyone so serious all the time? Don't they understand what is going on? Can't I help them? Should I?

Imagine

Imagine there is a venereal disease that instantly kills people. Imagine it takes under an hour from exposure for the virus to bond, resulting in that instantaneous death. Now imagine being a carrier of that disease. Everyone who goes down on you dies within the hour. Everyone you fuck dies within the hour.

I would watch that movie.

Female lead. Doesn't believe in premarital sex. Stays celibate. Gets married. Husband dies in honeymoon bed. She freaks out, hides the body. Runs away. Tries to start a new life.  Gets raped. The rapist dies while raping her. Starts using sex to kill people? Fucks bad guys? Criminals? New superhero movie? Or new porno franchise?

People keep talking about the dangers of time travel

but you can really do no harm. Once you start playing with time, you open up everything to its effects. The thing is, whatever you do, whenever you do it, is already done. Even if you haven't done it yet.

I know it can seem complicated, but it isn't. What's done is done.

If I found blueprints for a time machine and built it, then went back and left those very same blueprints for me to find, there is in fact no paradox. The maths say there should be. Logic says there should be. But if I find blueprints I left for myself, then I did. Where did the specs come from? They came from me. I left them there for past me. Where did future me get them? I got them from myself in the past of course! It doesn't make sense if you look at it the wrong way. Remember: The universe is.

You can drive yourself mad trying to get a satisfying answer. I, on the other hand, am fine accepting what is. We exist. All time-manipulation that will be done and has been done. All side-effects from playing time lord are already present. They have always been. If I were to go back in time and change the future, I would only be changing it to what it was already going to be. So any change, no matter how drastic, is simply restoring things to the way they have always been. You essentially have changed nothing.

Before you decided to go back and fuck around, you already went back and fucked around which led to the present in which you are currently living. Otherwise, you would not be living in this present.

When you can control time, your thought patterns must also change. As we are, we accept that time is out of our control. Time to us, is a constant. (more or less) So it doesn't factor into our calculations as being anything but a constant. But if you can change a constant into a factor, worlds of possibilities suddenly become accessible. Think of it in simple terms of algebraic formulas.

You have at our present state of Time Slaves the equation of:    T(SxR) P )
                                                                                                            

T= Time
S= Senses
R= Reaction 
P= Passion

In this equation, Time is not a factor, it is a constant, a constant of 1. Which means Time doesn't necessarily have any real function here whatsoever. Time as 1 changes nothing and can be disregarded. This is how we commonly think. Time is unchangeable. We have 6 senses: taste, touch, hearing, sight, smell, and consciousness. We can have 3 reactions to these senses: positive, negative, or indifferent. And finally we can either derive pleasure from these or not. So if T=1, S=6, R=3, P=2 The solution as it stands cannot exceed 36. This means there are 36 possibilities for us at this very moment.

But if you add plasticity to Time, you can change that 1 into a 3. (past, present, and future) Thus allowing the number of possibilities to triple into 108. This means you would need to change your way of thinking to include the altered amount of possibilities. You would basically have to triple your brain's capacity and processing speed just to understand what the fuck was going on. And the possibilities would open up immediately. Imagine trying to triple your brain power in an instant. Not easy, huh? That's why time manipulation is so difficult to comprehend. You have to think in plethora of new ways.

So maybe I'm just talking out of my ass. Maybe I'm just making this all up. 
Maybe this really doesn't make any sense at all. Maybe I just chose these as arbitrary numbers.

Or maybe I didn't.

And this.

Serial Killers are a lot like Actors

Both are professional pretenders. They can switch between emotions like cards in a deck. Their success depends on how well they execute this. Not only that, but on how well they do their research, how often they practice, and it wouldn't mean anything without that special little something that made them what they are in the first place. Once discovered, they are revered. Both are celebrities with die-hard fans and bitter enemies. Both understand the true meaning of emptiness. (You can throw that Darkness shit out the window. Everyone who knows knows that it's emptiness inside them, emptiness behind their eyes, and emptiness that begot them. All that Darkness and Dark Passenger nonsense is just for flair, or for entertainment.)

I could go on, but you get the idea. Run with it. All I'm trying to do is guide you in an interesting direction; you have to walk the path yourself.

Lastly, and most importantly, the cardinal rule is the same: If you can live without doing it, then don't do it.