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Monday, October 7, 2013


I am officially going to be the house band at the Asbury Lanes once a month. Basically, sexy ladies will be on stage doing sexy things while overweight middle-aged creepers draw them and take pictures of them. I will be in my own little corner just drumming away completely oblivious of everything. I'm hoping money and free drinks will be included in some way. I'm a fan of those things when they are for me to have. I hope house band does well. I hope we get booked for other events. I hope I can bake less and jam more. Then I can write more, too. Also I'll be way less suicidal, which is a good thing.

In other news, I've been having some really great conversations lately. This is rare for me. Usually when I talk to people I get very bored very quickly and the whole time they're talking I'm trying to will them away with my mind. These interesting conversations have melded together in my head to become a new exciting story for all of you to enjoy. Hooray! Good for you. I'd like to thank Amy in particular. She is one of my few fans that always encourages me to be a better, more productive writer. Not by bluntly saying it, but by being genuinely excited by my work. That's the best motivation you can get. I saw her at Sam and Mike's wedding, which was one of the best wedding ever. I also discovered one of my readers that night. Hi Chrissy! I'm talking to you via my blog! Is that weird? I hope so! But if it wasn't for Amy making the connection with the crazy shit we were talking about and writing a story, I probably would not have had that epiphany a few days later. I guess I have a lot of people to thank then. The premise comes from a real life project that Sarah told me about at Toast. The bulk was inspired by all the fucked up sci-fi and drama movies that I've been vegging out to lately thanks to the Netflix password provided by my cuddly, lovable singer Jill. The idea for a romantic interest for the main character popped up while talking to Marni. I often forget about relationships and inter-people-thinginess in my work. Honestly, I don't give a fuck about em and forget that people actually do those things, and like, that's normal behavior or whatever. She's really into how people relate to one another, thus a seed was planted yet again. Who else? I don't know I'm sure there's more, but I'm lazy and remembering is making my brain hurt. Hey, I just realized that all the people I thanked are girls. I guess it's only fitting. Women inspire art, men create it.

One more thing before storytime. The other night I was drunk, getting stoned, and playing Resident Evil 5 at like 3 am, when two really hot chicks just up and walked in my room wearing nothing but bra and panties, gave me a lap dance and walked right back out. I know, weird.

Story now!

This is not THAT story. THAT story will come later. THIS story is about how dating would be if I was world ruler of minds. A man is sitting at a bar. There is a band playing tonight. It's a divey little spot. Cheap drinks, good people. When the band starts playing, everyone puts down their books and dances all around the place, arms flailing, legs kicking. Spinning and prancing are highly encouraged. Everyone is being silly and some people are naked and letting their dirty bits flap in the wind. (Did I mention I'm world ruler of minds in this story?) The drinks are large and pretty colors for no reason at all. Our man accidentally spills his drink. He promptly goes to the bartender, asks for a rag and some spray, cleans it up, and returns the items to the boozenater. He turns around and sees a beautiful woman. Not missing a beat, he walks right up to her and says, "Hello! You're beautiful. Wanna be my girlfriend?" She replies just as cheerfully, "Sure! You like lasers?"
"I LOVE lasers!" he says.
They leave the bar and walk to the beach. When they get there, they have an epic laser sword fight. After that she falls into him and they lay splayed out in the sand making out. They look up from their tongue-fight to see that the sun is rising. Our man rises and holds his woman in his arms. They stand swaying gently. He gives her a soft kiss on her cheek and says, "Take me to a dream, and never let me leave. Close my eyes to help me see, a land where all are free."
"But we're already here, silly." she giggles, "Get your mind out of the old world. There's no fear here. No hatred, no greed. And right now, you're here with me, on this lovely beach. And soon, you'll be with me in your bed. So let's go wash off this sand."
The two walk off the beach and back into town. The world fades in a wash of smoke as the dream disappears back to the fantasy land which bore it. Way back. Far out of the reach of reality. Where it lingers, just barely visible, to a place where only a few can glimpse it. Glimpse it, but no more.

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