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Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Music-Hating Town Inadvertently Creates New Form of DIY Event.

Money-loving, music-hating capital of the world, Asbury Parrk NJ, has recently banned local businesses from playing background music in their stores.

Despite its reputation as a hip, musical mecca, Asbury Park's chill, hipster attitude is actually a facade disguising its greedy totalitarian reality. Unless you are only playing pre-approved types of music and making the right people money, this town doesn't want any of your bullshit.

Background music isn't completely banned however. Businesses may play as much music as they like as long as they keep the volume below 65 decibels and they pay a fee upwards of $1500.00 a day. So if you're were looking to savor a fancy pasta dish at a candle-lit table over a bottle of wine with barely audible jazz music, you're shit out of luck.

The new ordinance has thusly forced ambiance aficionados to form a new underground scene. The $5 basement show is being replaced by events where you can bring your own food and eat it while listening to genuine, 100% real music played on somebody's phone through a crappy speaker. Punk houses don't know what to do with the sudden influx of new revenue from all of the middle-aged married couples seeking the refuge of a crusty basement in which to listen to Radiohead and Jack Johnson over salad and breadsticks.

"I'm thinking of buying a car. Maybe starting a 401k or something." says local resident Jake Healy in an interview yesterday. "It's cool, man. If these weirdos want to give me money, I'll take it."

A brand new DIY underground scene. Like always, bourne from the fascism of the greedy and powerful. This town has been dead for years, we're just fucking its corpse at this point. Expect organized police raids of these speakeateries to soon follow.

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