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Sunday, August 9, 2015

Workin as a waitress... in a cocktail baaaAAAAaaaAaAar

Alright. So basically there is this big fuckin place with a ton of shit on it. All kinds of shit. Shit that moves around and does stuff. Shit that just sits there. Useful shit. Entertaining shit. Cute shit. Weird shit. Hard shit. Liquid shit. Shit gas. All the kinds of shit you can imagine. And the one thing all this shit has in common is that it is all beautiful and special in it's own way. Which is nice.

The problem is that there is one very specific little type of turd that hates itself and wants to make itself as miserable as possible. We call these miserable fucks Human Beans. These bean people hate feeling happy and safe. They don't want to be loved. They just want the other bean poles to violate and abuse them. This is stupid.

So what I do is V simple. I go around fucking with the leguminous monsters. I come under the guise of a great and powerful destructor and all beans from fillet to romano worship my awesome might and prolific grandeur. I break them from the inside out. I corrupt their worldview. I sodomize their static perspectives and piss all over their crinkled brain sacks. After that, I trick them. It's easy. They don't even see it coming. I trick them into noticing the pulchritude within them and this big fuckin place full of shit. I get them to love themselves, the dirtball, and all the dumb shit on it.

And that's it. All done.

Click this if you are sexy.

Update* The government is probably following my every move and systematically destroying everything that brings me joy in this craptastic excuse for a country because the video/song this was named after was just removed. Now the title makes no sense! It barely made sense in the first place!

I know you're watching me, Government! I know you know how much I love jerking off. Let me enjoy the things I enjoy. Quit fucking with the system you yourselves put in place. Media exists to quell the anarchistic chaos-driven malintent notions within us before they can substantiate themselves in reality. I get that. I don't care. I'm not trying to start a revolution. I'm just an asshole. Now give me back my stupid videos, the rest of my Fleetwood Mac, more Cramps, allow someone to upload a good quality version of Bladerunner to Youtube, and let me continue to jerk off both literally and figuratively.

In lieu of this current dilemma, watch this instead. It actually makes more sense (which I despise)

Thank you

PS I'm sorry your job sucks and you're paid to creep on and make strangers sad. That blows.

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