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Sunday, March 23, 2014

I'm complicated and shit.

Everybody is built differently. We're kinda unique I guess. Mostly little things here and there. One of the things that really intrigues me is the way people process and deal with emotion. Some people are like a light switch with no dimmer. It's either on or off. Others have presets and jump from standard to standard. Some waiver slightly around the same neutral area. There are those who bottle it up until they explode, and those who exude even the slightest of feelings to momentous proportions. Once you get the hang of it, you can peg them out by the most subtle of tells. It's great fun when you get into it.

Me? Well I'm like a fuse-box. It's like there are all these tiny switches that control bits of my emotional state. Different combinations yield the strange results you see. The really weird part is that the switches have no direct correlation with each other. Their effects will commingle into what I feel overall, but if one goes on, it does not automatically switch another on or off. It is almost like making a tye-dye shirt. The individual colors have a fixed starting point, but they all get flung around afterward to create the unique pattern that ends up on the shirt. Sometimes I get base colors of both love/hate or disgust/horny and the design ends up all kinds of crazy.

But, like a fuse-box, too much power gets pumped through and the whole thing blows. That's when everything goes blank and numb. Some sort of self-protection thing I suppose. It's not so bad. When the emotions start coming back is when the problems start. I begin wanting things I didn't want before. I begin seeing people differently. I start having, well, feelings. Then it becomes an issue of what to do with them. A certain person I didn't mind so much might start bothering me intensely. A girl that was just some person might grow more beautiful everyday. There might be someone I suddenly wished I hung out with more, or someone I want to punch.

It's disconcerting when you become so accustomed to numbness then spontaneously you're hit with the reality that it was only a temporary state of mind to keep you from breaking down and now you have to react to a whole new worldview.

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