Before I had constant access to the internet, a place to sleep every night, and people who wanted me around, I'd occasionally write. Not like this, of course. Just tid bits here and there. Then I began writing lyrics. That was the first outlet for my thoughts. Sometimes I look back through my papers; through myselves. I still surprise myself.
Here are a few excerpts that made me smile:
---------------------
Her breath on my neck
the smell in the air
the feeling that could never be true
It'll never last, but at least I can try
to make part of you happy, while part of me dies.
-------------
It's in faults that you find beauty
and in death you find new life
It's in the cuts that run so deep
you carry for the rest of your life.
-----------------
Did you ever want something to never end?
To last forever, no matter how it hurt?
A moment of pure love and pure pain
To see things through their lives
Walk with them through their problems
and in a sense, be them
I feel that way now as I've felt that way before
so many times of sorrow and fear
sitting in my room with paper and pen
listening to the tunes of my greatest heroes
I sit alone as I've always been
As the CDs change, I feel the same
that feeling never seems to go away
music can only mask my fears
to bear my soul and face the tears
lovestruck as I always seem to be
when she's with me all words dissipate
all hate and sadness become nothing but a memory
yet it all seems to return when I say goodbye
As I sing this song, I face my fears
to show you how I really feel when you're gone
So you can see the lonely dark place I go
bereft of everything but silence.
----
This is taking too long. I'm tired. More later maybe.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Friday, January 17, 2014
Our greatest weakness, or our greatest strength?
A fatal flaw of the human condition is our need to attribute meaning to things where there is none.
Every human experience, every interaction between us and our surroundings is nothing more than our brains processing electrical signals. Our sensory organs react to certain stimuli creating an electrical cache of information. This information is sent to the brain where it is then processed and reconstructed into a form the mind can comprehend. But this is not reality. It is only a hologram projected in our minds to convert information into a form that we can understand. Our wrinkly old brains are literally built to ascribe meaning to experience. So it goes to follow that this concept, as far as we know, is a singularly human trait. (Not because we are special or higher beings than other animals. But because of control levels, but that's another story.)
Things aren't "good" or "bad," they simply are. It is human beings who skew things to comfort and reassure themselves. Even our scientists, our so called "unbiased" observers, do this. (And shut up, you! I'm not about to bring up the Observer Effect or Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle so SHUT IT, SMARTASS!) Just because we share a common denominator with the distant cosmos does not mean we are the universe and the universe is us. It just means we are made from the same base materials; super-abundant, highly compatible materials. My favorite example of this is the popular space fact that's been circulating for some time. It is the one that states that the center of our galaxy smells like raspberries and a bit of rum, which are pleasant things. They say this because a gaseous cloud at the center of the Milky Way contains some of the largest, most complex chemicals in known space. (excluding Earth, of course.) One of the most complex/ most abundant chemicals found in this gaseous cloud goes by the name of ethyl formate. Ethyl formate is the chemical largely responsible for the taste of raspberries and the smell of rum.
I did not say they were lying about that. It's true, but only true in the sense that it's true you were late meeting up with your girlfriend or boyfriend because you overslept. Nevermind the fact that you overslept because you were having wild sex the previous night with a cute stranger. Ethyl formate definitely is found in raspberries and rum, but it's also found in grass, wheat, roasted filberts, grapes, blue cheese, barley, lemons, and my all time favorite, cow shit. Yes, a lot of that wonderful smell of cow shit is due to our lovely little C3H6O2. But nobody wants to hear that our galactic center smells like dung, so they leave that part out, not to mention it is highly flammable and damaging to our central nervous system.
As human beings we manipulate information to ease our egos and maintain minimal use of brain function. It's what we're made for. Whether you call it optimism, faith, stupidity, ignorance, or cognitive dissonance, you're still saying the same thing. We don't like to think too much. We don't like to be upset. We don't like to be wrong. And most of all, we want to be happy. But at what price?
Every human experience, every interaction between us and our surroundings is nothing more than our brains processing electrical signals. Our sensory organs react to certain stimuli creating an electrical cache of information. This information is sent to the brain where it is then processed and reconstructed into a form the mind can comprehend. But this is not reality. It is only a hologram projected in our minds to convert information into a form that we can understand. Our wrinkly old brains are literally built to ascribe meaning to experience. So it goes to follow that this concept, as far as we know, is a singularly human trait. (Not because we are special or higher beings than other animals. But because of control levels, but that's another story.)
Things aren't "good" or "bad," they simply are. It is human beings who skew things to comfort and reassure themselves. Even our scientists, our so called "unbiased" observers, do this. (And shut up, you! I'm not about to bring up the Observer Effect or Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle so SHUT IT, SMARTASS!) Just because we share a common denominator with the distant cosmos does not mean we are the universe and the universe is us. It just means we are made from the same base materials; super-abundant, highly compatible materials. My favorite example of this is the popular space fact that's been circulating for some time. It is the one that states that the center of our galaxy smells like raspberries and a bit of rum, which are pleasant things. They say this because a gaseous cloud at the center of the Milky Way contains some of the largest, most complex chemicals in known space. (excluding Earth, of course.) One of the most complex/ most abundant chemicals found in this gaseous cloud goes by the name of ethyl formate. Ethyl formate is the chemical largely responsible for the taste of raspberries and the smell of rum.
I did not say they were lying about that. It's true, but only true in the sense that it's true you were late meeting up with your girlfriend or boyfriend because you overslept. Nevermind the fact that you overslept because you were having wild sex the previous night with a cute stranger. Ethyl formate definitely is found in raspberries and rum, but it's also found in grass, wheat, roasted filberts, grapes, blue cheese, barley, lemons, and my all time favorite, cow shit. Yes, a lot of that wonderful smell of cow shit is due to our lovely little C3H6O2. But nobody wants to hear that our galactic center smells like dung, so they leave that part out, not to mention it is highly flammable and damaging to our central nervous system.
As human beings we manipulate information to ease our egos and maintain minimal use of brain function. It's what we're made for. Whether you call it optimism, faith, stupidity, ignorance, or cognitive dissonance, you're still saying the same thing. We don't like to think too much. We don't like to be upset. We don't like to be wrong. And most of all, we want to be happy. But at what price?
Monday, December 30, 2013
TEST: You will fail.
This sentence is not real. This one is a bold-faced lie. This sentence knows that it is a sentence. This one laughs at the three previous sentences. This sentence knows the second sentence is a lie. This sentence understands the fifth sentence knows the second sentence is lying, thereby making it true, thereby making it false and reinforcing the beliefs of the third sentence. This sentence understands the sixth sentence only brings us back to the first sentence. This sentence understands the difference between the first and second beginnings. This sentence says, "Redo, not restart." This sentence says the opposite of all the other sentences. This sentence proclaims a sentence on the previous sentence to restart the redone to undo what hasn't happened again. This sentence thinks all other sentences are crazy, thus it has transformed itself into a question instead? This sentence has its period at the end of the month. This sentence; is semicolon-ized. This sentence wishes it was an equation, like the next sentence is. LOVE = HATE = 42 The last sentence was not a sentence, thus sentence 15 is lying, thus only the question is true. This sentence is the final sentence. No it is not. That last sentence is the last sentence. All sentences are true.
Have fun wrapping your mind around that shit. Can you feel my dick fucking your brain?
Have fun wrapping your mind around that shit. Can you feel my dick fucking your brain?
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Tachyons
Reverse reincarnation completely destroys the possibility of free will. If our past lives took place in the future, our next life will occur in the past, and the past had to have happened exactly as it did down to the most minute detail in order for us to exist right now, then our next life is already lived and irrevocably unalterable. Which means this current life is bound by the same rules. Free Will is an illusion caused by our lacking acumen of our current knowledge of future's past. We only seem to be making choices. The choices have long been made. Or is the tangled unknown yet unalterable web of decisions known as Fate actually what Free Will truly is?
Interesting concept. Scarier that it is theoretically possible. There are particles which move backward in time (as far as we guess) so our past is actually their future. So why not us, too? Could our life-forces/souls/whathaveyous be travelling backward in time at the moment of death? Could explain a few things. Such as the term "loss" in relation to deathly matters. We do not say "released." The energy of a person doesn't feel released or freed at the point of death; it feels lost. We have suffered a loss in the family, not a liberation. Could be the soul moving backward through time. Gone from us with our pitiful time-bound technology. We can not reach into the past corporeally. They left us to start a new life in the past.
Many religions and pseudo-religions speak of a coming together and a oneness at the end of existence. It could be they are unknowingly referencing the Big Bang. Eventually we would travel back to the beginning, to the place from whence we came. We would be as one with all things. A singularity the size of a dime. That is our ultimate fate as living creatures. We are only a facet of this oneness experiencing itself, destined to return. An all seeing eye looking at itself. Immanentizing the Eschaton could simply be refering to the light and heat from the Big Bang. In reverse, it would seem as if if the universe itself was becoming bathed in an ultimate brightness which took all of creation and brought it together into one.
It would also explain the negative position on suicide. It's cheating. Skipping the path to absolution. The universe wants to experience itself. Terminating oneself and therefor a camera of the universe, leaving what could have been, unexperienced, would be considered blasphemy.
Just a random thought. Sorry for the brain-hurt. Have a nice day.
Interesting concept. Scarier that it is theoretically possible. There are particles which move backward in time (as far as we guess) so our past is actually their future. So why not us, too? Could our life-forces/souls/whathaveyous be travelling backward in time at the moment of death? Could explain a few things. Such as the term "loss" in relation to deathly matters. We do not say "released." The energy of a person doesn't feel released or freed at the point of death; it feels lost. We have suffered a loss in the family, not a liberation. Could be the soul moving backward through time. Gone from us with our pitiful time-bound technology. We can not reach into the past corporeally. They left us to start a new life in the past.
Many religions and pseudo-religions speak of a coming together and a oneness at the end of existence. It could be they are unknowingly referencing the Big Bang. Eventually we would travel back to the beginning, to the place from whence we came. We would be as one with all things. A singularity the size of a dime. That is our ultimate fate as living creatures. We are only a facet of this oneness experiencing itself, destined to return. An all seeing eye looking at itself. Immanentizing the Eschaton could simply be refering to the light and heat from the Big Bang. In reverse, it would seem as if if the universe itself was becoming bathed in an ultimate brightness which took all of creation and brought it together into one.
It would also explain the negative position on suicide. It's cheating. Skipping the path to absolution. The universe wants to experience itself. Terminating oneself and therefor a camera of the universe, leaving what could have been, unexperienced, would be considered blasphemy.
Just a random thought. Sorry for the brain-hurt. Have a nice day.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
For me, trust is total or nonexistent.
I've been thinking. I live my life based on some very simple rules. They insure my safety and happiness in all situations. I am alive today thanks to my code. I was thinking maybe it would be of benefit to others to share a few of them. I don't have them written down and they usually only come to mind when they are pertinent, but I can give it a shot. I can always edit these later and add more as they come to mind.
-Befriend everyone you meet.
Now I'm not saying you have to hang out with them or maintain contact, but be nice and friendly with everyone you encounter. No harm comes from making friends, but burning bridges could lead to lost opportunities. You might be surprised who comes to the rescue in your time of need.
-Never do or say anything you wouldn't want everyone to know.
This one is simple. Practically nothing stays buried. If you do something you don't want certain people to know about, chances are, they'll find out. More importantly, you are blackmailproof. No one has any sort of leverage on you. You can live comfortably and confidently.
-Keep as close to the truth as possible; especially when lying.
Do your best not to lie. It gets confusing after a while. Lie too much and you run the risk of losing touch with yourself. You get so wrapped up in the lies, you can't remember what's real, and that's just no good. Plus, the more you lie, the higher the risk of getting caught. Not to mention the credibility you lose. It's no fun when no one believes a thing you say.
-Reveal as little as possible to others.
One part refers to the last one. An easy way around lying is simply not mentioning a certain event. If someone asks why you weren't answering your phone, for instance, tell them it was turned off. Which is true and totally acceptable. But don't tell them you turned it off because you didn't want anybody calling you while you were masturbating.
The other part is that people love to fill in the gaps with their imagination. Be an enigma and give out only bits about yourself, leaving ample room to be filled in. People are never going to see the real you anyway. They are simply going to create a mental image of who you are in their minds that will be radically skewed to reflect their views on the world. Thereby preserving their way of seeing life, without all the scary things that don't conform to it and frighten them.
-Be skeptical of everything.
We, as humans, are all given the same tools for understanding reality. Just because some lazy asshole accepts what is told to him without questioning, then tries to pass it off onto you as fact, doesn't mean shit. Make them convince you. If they can not, then they are knowledgeable enough on that subject to be opening their fat mouth about it anyway. Take everything with a grain of salt. They may have hidden motives that are unknown to you at this moment.
-Trust completely or not at all.
This has been altered from Trust No One. (and honestly runs the risk of being switched back.) Only when someone has proven their trustworthiness to you many many times over a long period of time should they even be considered as someone you can trust. Nearly everyone is an opportunistic scumbag who seeks their gain even at the price of your ruin. DO NOT FORGET THAT. Only when someone has gone above and beyond and you feel completely at ease and have tested them thoroughly, should you trust them. And when you do, hide nothing from them. Drop your guard entirely. If you can not do that, then you don't actually trust them.
-Never be the cause of any problem.
This one is simple. Don't start shit. Don't be an asshole. If everybody around you is happy and having fun, don't start pissing everyone off. Don't cause a scene and ruin their good time. Don't be the only motherfucker complaining when everyone else is fine. If a problem exists solely through your actions, then I'm sorry, but you are a fuckhead. If that wasn't clear, picture this: You and your friends sit down and watch a movie. Everyone is enjoying it. Everyone but that one fucking guy on the end who won't shut the fuck up about how he can't stand the flick. Fuck that guy. Don't do that.
-Keep your word always.
Simple. If people trust you, they like you more. If you can be depended upon, you are held in higher esteem. And if you can keep a secret, you'll learn some seriously interesting shit.
-Never stop learning.
Learning is the ultimate cure-all. It betters you in every way. Learn new facts, skills, theories, abilities, concepts, languages, everything and anything you can get your hands on. I could write a book on this one point alone. Do it. Shut up, and do it.
-Trust yourself foremost.
This works on two levels. First, if something doesn't feel right, or doesn't seem right, it usually isn't.
Secondly, (and this applies to my own life) if you feel the random need to do something, do it. I can't tell you how many sticky situations I've avoided by following this rule. Simple things like walking 10feet to my left, turning at a different street than usual, or waiting 5 more minutes, have drastically changed situations for the better and have even saved my life. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm telepathic or some shit. I don't know. But I do know that randomly I get a weird urge to do something for seemingly no logical reason and some butterfly effect shit happens and that insignificant action has major positive consequences.
-Do not believe anything.
Believing in something limits possibilities and creates bias within your mind.
-Do not disbelieve anything.
What the fuck do you know? Anything could be true. Disbelieving in God is believing God doesn't exist and what the fuck did I just tell you about believing in shit?
-Never do anything you don't want to do.
Our lifetime is all we know of life. Our lifetime is less than nothing in the grand scheme of things. You don't have time to waste. So don't force yourself to sit through anything you don't want for any reason.
-Live life the right way now, and don't worry about the future.
If you're following these rules, (especially the learning one. Really. The learning one. Do it.) then you are already doing all you can possibly do at this moment. You're bettering yourself daily, being a good person, meeting new people, and networking in new ways. Don't worry. You're fine. Everything is going to be alright.
-Do not take anything seriously.
The very concept of life is a ridiculous joke. So laugh. Nothing matters.
-Experience new things whenever possible.
This is similar to the learning one. Always say yes. Never do something twice in the same way. Take a new way home from work. Try a new food. Shop at a different store. Fuck routine. Routine is death.
-Judge for yourself.
A person's recollection of an event is generally less than 20% accurate. (And I'm rounding up) This is why eye-witness testimonies don't mean shit. Then if one person tells another, the accuracy drops even further. By the time it gets to you, it's complete bullshit. Judge by first-hand account or not at all.
-Everyone is equal.
We're all basically built the same. No one has power, authority, or divine knowledge. You give others power over yourself. You submit yourself to authority. And anyone speaking of Truth or God is either deranged or trying to scam you.
-There are no rules.
There aren't. We made up all the rules. From rights, to laws, to social etiquette. Someone just like you came up with all that shit to benefit himself. Those who benefit maintain those rules. They have guns. You do not. If you disobey, they will threaten you with those guns. They are thugs. If you cause too many problems they will shoot you. This is why we follow those rules. We do not wish to be shot. End of story. Not until we find something worth being shot over do we fight the system.
-Money has no value.
It's green paper. That's all. It only has value if you believe it has value. A lot of people have resigned to that belief. It does not make it true.
-You can not own anything.
Soon you will be dead. You will lose all earthly possessions. Everything we have is borrowed. You can not own anything. You are not immortal. One day you will give everything back. So quit hoarding.
-You are already dead.
You are meaningless. You are less than meaningless. You practically do not even exist at all. Remember this.
-Nothing matters.
You're a dead man borrowing things for a time that is basically over before it began. In 200 hundred years, no one will know you ever lived. Relax, everything is pointless.
-Explore.
This is a wonderful place we live in. Experience it while you can.
That's it for now. I always seem to remember more when trying to make a list of them. I feel as if I have only just started naming them. I guess there are more than I realized. Oh well. I'm going to bed now. Goodnight. Be well.
-Befriend everyone you meet.
Now I'm not saying you have to hang out with them or maintain contact, but be nice and friendly with everyone you encounter. No harm comes from making friends, but burning bridges could lead to lost opportunities. You might be surprised who comes to the rescue in your time of need.
-Never do or say anything you wouldn't want everyone to know.
This one is simple. Practically nothing stays buried. If you do something you don't want certain people to know about, chances are, they'll find out. More importantly, you are blackmailproof. No one has any sort of leverage on you. You can live comfortably and confidently.
-Keep as close to the truth as possible; especially when lying.
Do your best not to lie. It gets confusing after a while. Lie too much and you run the risk of losing touch with yourself. You get so wrapped up in the lies, you can't remember what's real, and that's just no good. Plus, the more you lie, the higher the risk of getting caught. Not to mention the credibility you lose. It's no fun when no one believes a thing you say.
-Reveal as little as possible to others.
One part refers to the last one. An easy way around lying is simply not mentioning a certain event. If someone asks why you weren't answering your phone, for instance, tell them it was turned off. Which is true and totally acceptable. But don't tell them you turned it off because you didn't want anybody calling you while you were masturbating.
The other part is that people love to fill in the gaps with their imagination. Be an enigma and give out only bits about yourself, leaving ample room to be filled in. People are never going to see the real you anyway. They are simply going to create a mental image of who you are in their minds that will be radically skewed to reflect their views on the world. Thereby preserving their way of seeing life, without all the scary things that don't conform to it and frighten them.
-Be skeptical of everything.
We, as humans, are all given the same tools for understanding reality. Just because some lazy asshole accepts what is told to him without questioning, then tries to pass it off onto you as fact, doesn't mean shit. Make them convince you. If they can not, then they are knowledgeable enough on that subject to be opening their fat mouth about it anyway. Take everything with a grain of salt. They may have hidden motives that are unknown to you at this moment.
-Trust completely or not at all.
This has been altered from Trust No One. (and honestly runs the risk of being switched back.) Only when someone has proven their trustworthiness to you many many times over a long period of time should they even be considered as someone you can trust. Nearly everyone is an opportunistic scumbag who seeks their gain even at the price of your ruin. DO NOT FORGET THAT. Only when someone has gone above and beyond and you feel completely at ease and have tested them thoroughly, should you trust them. And when you do, hide nothing from them. Drop your guard entirely. If you can not do that, then you don't actually trust them.
-Never be the cause of any problem.
This one is simple. Don't start shit. Don't be an asshole. If everybody around you is happy and having fun, don't start pissing everyone off. Don't cause a scene and ruin their good time. Don't be the only motherfucker complaining when everyone else is fine. If a problem exists solely through your actions, then I'm sorry, but you are a fuckhead. If that wasn't clear, picture this: You and your friends sit down and watch a movie. Everyone is enjoying it. Everyone but that one fucking guy on the end who won't shut the fuck up about how he can't stand the flick. Fuck that guy. Don't do that.
-Keep your word always.
Simple. If people trust you, they like you more. If you can be depended upon, you are held in higher esteem. And if you can keep a secret, you'll learn some seriously interesting shit.
-Never stop learning.
Learning is the ultimate cure-all. It betters you in every way. Learn new facts, skills, theories, abilities, concepts, languages, everything and anything you can get your hands on. I could write a book on this one point alone. Do it. Shut up, and do it.
-Trust yourself foremost.
This works on two levels. First, if something doesn't feel right, or doesn't seem right, it usually isn't.
Secondly, (and this applies to my own life) if you feel the random need to do something, do it. I can't tell you how many sticky situations I've avoided by following this rule. Simple things like walking 10feet to my left, turning at a different street than usual, or waiting 5 more minutes, have drastically changed situations for the better and have even saved my life. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm telepathic or some shit. I don't know. But I do know that randomly I get a weird urge to do something for seemingly no logical reason and some butterfly effect shit happens and that insignificant action has major positive consequences.
-Do not believe anything.
Believing in something limits possibilities and creates bias within your mind.
-Do not disbelieve anything.
What the fuck do you know? Anything could be true. Disbelieving in God is believing God doesn't exist and what the fuck did I just tell you about believing in shit?
-Never do anything you don't want to do.
Our lifetime is all we know of life. Our lifetime is less than nothing in the grand scheme of things. You don't have time to waste. So don't force yourself to sit through anything you don't want for any reason.
-Live life the right way now, and don't worry about the future.
If you're following these rules, (especially the learning one. Really. The learning one. Do it.) then you are already doing all you can possibly do at this moment. You're bettering yourself daily, being a good person, meeting new people, and networking in new ways. Don't worry. You're fine. Everything is going to be alright.
-Do not take anything seriously.
The very concept of life is a ridiculous joke. So laugh. Nothing matters.
-Experience new things whenever possible.
This is similar to the learning one. Always say yes. Never do something twice in the same way. Take a new way home from work. Try a new food. Shop at a different store. Fuck routine. Routine is death.
-Judge for yourself.
A person's recollection of an event is generally less than 20% accurate. (And I'm rounding up) This is why eye-witness testimonies don't mean shit. Then if one person tells another, the accuracy drops even further. By the time it gets to you, it's complete bullshit. Judge by first-hand account or not at all.
-Everyone is equal.
We're all basically built the same. No one has power, authority, or divine knowledge. You give others power over yourself. You submit yourself to authority. And anyone speaking of Truth or God is either deranged or trying to scam you.
-There are no rules.
There aren't. We made up all the rules. From rights, to laws, to social etiquette. Someone just like you came up with all that shit to benefit himself. Those who benefit maintain those rules. They have guns. You do not. If you disobey, they will threaten you with those guns. They are thugs. If you cause too many problems they will shoot you. This is why we follow those rules. We do not wish to be shot. End of story. Not until we find something worth being shot over do we fight the system.
-Money has no value.
It's green paper. That's all. It only has value if you believe it has value. A lot of people have resigned to that belief. It does not make it true.
-You can not own anything.
Soon you will be dead. You will lose all earthly possessions. Everything we have is borrowed. You can not own anything. You are not immortal. One day you will give everything back. So quit hoarding.
-You are already dead.
You are meaningless. You are less than meaningless. You practically do not even exist at all. Remember this.
-Nothing matters.
You're a dead man borrowing things for a time that is basically over before it began. In 200 hundred years, no one will know you ever lived. Relax, everything is pointless.
-Explore.
This is a wonderful place we live in. Experience it while you can.
That's it for now. I always seem to remember more when trying to make a list of them. I feel as if I have only just started naming them. I guess there are more than I realized. Oh well. I'm going to bed now. Goodnight. Be well.
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Why Are You Such A Stupid Asshole? Do You Really Want To Know?
James Maldano was 36, single, and lazy. He lived in a small studio apartment with his cat, Henry. He worked a pointless job, making hardly any money, most of which went to beer and pot. He liked videogames and crosswords. In short, he was a nobody. Not until he won the lottery did anybody give one shit about him. Suddenly, he was skyrocketed up the social ladder. Everybody wanted to be his friend, but more importantly, everyone wanted his money. He became sick of it all. He thought to himself, "How do rich people do it? I can't stand this incessant pandering."
So he decided he would join the financial elite and ask them. His attempts to penetrate the social circles of the rich and influential failed miserably. They wanted nothing to do with a boorish nouveau riche simpleton like himself. When he drew near them, they would start speaking French and laugh at him. He didn't fit in anywhere.
Still, he persisted. One night, after dinner, some of the rich folk were in the smoking room having a conversation about our Mr. Maldano. He was becoming intolerable to them. They decided that if he was going to be such a kissass, they might as well use it to their advantage. Possibly, they can use him as a whipping boy, which might be fun. And maybe they could even hammer in some manners into the idiot. They would invite him to their next Federation of American Gastronomers meeting and see how he fared.
When the invitation came, James was elated. It was printed on fancy paper with lots of swirly letters. It even smelled fancy. The day of the party, James put on his most expensive clothes and headed over to the country club. Finally, he was going to learn their well kept secrets.
After the valet parked his ferrari with the others, he was ushered into a grand hall. He looked around and something dawned on him. No one here was eating. He checked the tables, but all they held was water and wine. He asked where the food was. This is a foodie club afterall. They told him to wait. It was still being prepared and would be brought out soon. He asked what type of things they'd be eating. "Only the best and rarest things, to be sure." was the response of the man standing next to him. He introduced himself as Walter Pemrose, an astrological financier. Walter explained, " Tonight we will be having a very rare delicacy indeed. Something only the richest of the rich can afford."
10 minutes later, a great set of doors in the back of the hall opened. Someone shouted, "Take your places! The meal is about to be served!" You can imagine the shock when, through the doors, marched a parade of naked men. Weirder still, each one of them had massive throbbing hard-ons. James did not know what to do. Sure, rich people are weird, but why would they have naked men serve their meal? And why do they all have giant boners? AND WHERE'S THE FOOD?
James watched in complete astonishment as the nude men proceeded to hop up onto the tables and start whacking off. He thought he was being fucked with, and started to laugh to himself. Rich people sure know how to pull a prank. That was until the first man took a wine glass, walked up to the table, and filled it with fresh warm jizzum. He rolled it around in his glass. He admired to bouquet, then drank. James almost shit himself. What the fuck is wrong with rich people?!
He stood frozen as it was explained that the man who just spewed his load into a wine glass was fed on nothing but asparagus for weeks, producing a powerfully rich flavor, and was "milked" repeatedly for the first few days, then was required to save up for the event. He was softly massaged since 8 this morning. This was the process which yielded the greatest volume, and the preferred method of true gastronomers.
Walter returned to James' side as soon as he noticed the look on his face. "Mr. Maldano." he said "What exactly is the matter?"
James replies flatly, "This is the gayest thing I have ever seen."
"How dare you?" exclaims Walter. "There is nothing homosexual about this."
James looks him dead in the eye and says, "There is everything homosexual about this. Now I'm going home. I'm not about to swallow a glass of splooge with you and your cronies."
James could hear Walter yelling, "We are connoisseurs of exotic flavors! If you're going to think so basely, then get out and never come back! You'll never be one of us!" as he strode out the front doors and asked the valet for his car.
"Fuck everyone." thought James as he cruised along the highway. "I'm going to buy a cabin in the middle of nowhere and never speak to another person again for as long as I live."
So he decided he would join the financial elite and ask them. His attempts to penetrate the social circles of the rich and influential failed miserably. They wanted nothing to do with a boorish nouveau riche simpleton like himself. When he drew near them, they would start speaking French and laugh at him. He didn't fit in anywhere.
Still, he persisted. One night, after dinner, some of the rich folk were in the smoking room having a conversation about our Mr. Maldano. He was becoming intolerable to them. They decided that if he was going to be such a kissass, they might as well use it to their advantage. Possibly, they can use him as a whipping boy, which might be fun. And maybe they could even hammer in some manners into the idiot. They would invite him to their next Federation of American Gastronomers meeting and see how he fared.
When the invitation came, James was elated. It was printed on fancy paper with lots of swirly letters. It even smelled fancy. The day of the party, James put on his most expensive clothes and headed over to the country club. Finally, he was going to learn their well kept secrets.
After the valet parked his ferrari with the others, he was ushered into a grand hall. He looked around and something dawned on him. No one here was eating. He checked the tables, but all they held was water and wine. He asked where the food was. This is a foodie club afterall. They told him to wait. It was still being prepared and would be brought out soon. He asked what type of things they'd be eating. "Only the best and rarest things, to be sure." was the response of the man standing next to him. He introduced himself as Walter Pemrose, an astrological financier. Walter explained, " Tonight we will be having a very rare delicacy indeed. Something only the richest of the rich can afford."
10 minutes later, a great set of doors in the back of the hall opened. Someone shouted, "Take your places! The meal is about to be served!" You can imagine the shock when, through the doors, marched a parade of naked men. Weirder still, each one of them had massive throbbing hard-ons. James did not know what to do. Sure, rich people are weird, but why would they have naked men serve their meal? And why do they all have giant boners? AND WHERE'S THE FOOD?
James watched in complete astonishment as the nude men proceeded to hop up onto the tables and start whacking off. He thought he was being fucked with, and started to laugh to himself. Rich people sure know how to pull a prank. That was until the first man took a wine glass, walked up to the table, and filled it with fresh warm jizzum. He rolled it around in his glass. He admired to bouquet, then drank. James almost shit himself. What the fuck is wrong with rich people?!
He stood frozen as it was explained that the man who just spewed his load into a wine glass was fed on nothing but asparagus for weeks, producing a powerfully rich flavor, and was "milked" repeatedly for the first few days, then was required to save up for the event. He was softly massaged since 8 this morning. This was the process which yielded the greatest volume, and the preferred method of true gastronomers.
Walter returned to James' side as soon as he noticed the look on his face. "Mr. Maldano." he said "What exactly is the matter?"
James replies flatly, "This is the gayest thing I have ever seen."
"How dare you?" exclaims Walter. "There is nothing homosexual about this."
James looks him dead in the eye and says, "There is everything homosexual about this. Now I'm going home. I'm not about to swallow a glass of splooge with you and your cronies."
James could hear Walter yelling, "We are connoisseurs of exotic flavors! If you're going to think so basely, then get out and never come back! You'll never be one of us!" as he strode out the front doors and asked the valet for his car.
"Fuck everyone." thought James as he cruised along the highway. "I'm going to buy a cabin in the middle of nowhere and never speak to another person again for as long as I live."
Friday, December 20, 2013
I'll grab you by the hair and cut your whole body off.
There are 2 kinds of intellectuals. Type A and Type B.
Type A intellectuals are the ones who flaunt their thinking muscle in front of others as much as possible. They're showoffs and braggarts. They can be highly intelligent or fairly intelligent. It does not matter. They are the type to bring up random information for no discernible reason other than to boost their own ego. They are constantly telling everyone in earshot about what they've just learned or are currently learning. They make others feel bad with their knowledge. They use it as a weapon to put others down. They're full of themselves, total narcissists. They can vary in demeanor. You have the Arrogant, the Faux-Teacher, the Encyclopedia, the Helper, the Asshole, the Prick, the One-Upper, and the Bully.
The Arrogant is the one who thinks he's better than everyone else. The one who thinks he has no enemies. The one that believes everyone looks up to him because he's obviously smarter than everyone. Challenge his ego and beware. He absolutely refuses to see the truth. The Arrogants are profoundly annoying. If possible, they are best ignored.
The Faux-Teacher is the asshole who acts like a knowitall under the guise of spreading knowledge. Whenever he spews an unnecessary amount of information out in public, it's not because he's trying to put everyone down, it's because he wants to teach everyone something new, or so he says. Don't let these pricks fool you. Even if no one is paying attention, cares, or even if they already know the information, the Faux-Teacher will continue talking. They are best avoided or confronted very very bluntly. Tell them to shut the fuck up and be on your way. Do not indulge them.
The Encyclopedia is the fucker who knows a bit about everything. They aren't so bad, but they still suck. These are the bastards who constantly regurgitate tiny facts on every topic and object nearby. You can't talk to them about anything or take them anywhere because they consistently derail the conversation with bits of knowledge no one gives a fuck about. If that doesn't bother you, they can be okay as casual friends.
The Helper is the little shit who gives you way too much information whenever you need a simple answer. There is no such thing as a simple answer for them. You ask for the name of a movie and you'll get the entire biography of the director, the full names of all cast and crew, actor bios, and related films. Dealing with them is simple, do not ask them questions; ever.
The Asshole is very similar to the Arrogant, except the Asshole is way more intense. Everyone hates the Asshole. He believes it is because they are jealous, or joking. But no, everyone hates the fucking Asshole. The protection around his ego is indestructible. Unless you are prepared for a long, bloody war, give up and walk away. It's not worth it. Anything you say or do will only fuel their ego.
The Prick saves his bullshit until the worst possible time. He lives to put others down. He has no delusions about himself. He owns it. He is smart and he openly loves to make people feel stupid. He's a contemptible character, but at least he is honest. Advice: deal with it.
The One-Upper always feels challenged. He suffers from a compulsion to always prove his intelligence. If someone says anything remotely smart, expect a new piece of knowledge from the face-hole of this douche. Negative conditioning works well with them. Whenever they one-up someone, reprimand them or give them a disapproving look. When they understand what they're doing, praise them for holding their tongue. This generally works, especially if you are someone they care about, and are gentle with them. They can be great friends.
The Bully also has no delusions about himself. He hates everyone who doesn't know every bit of knowledge he knows and will not be shy to show it. He is aggressive and angry. The more intelligent the Bully is, the more of a fuckhead he is. Kick this guy's ass.
These are some, but not all of the kinds of people who use the gift of intelligence wrongly. They use intellect to make those around them feel stupid.
Type B on the other hand, use intelligence to legitimately help those around them. Others feel smarter and more capable around Type B. They spread knowledge where it is needed. You may not even realize a Type B is an intelligent person for some time. Their intellect shows itself in much more subtle ways. The very smart and the very dumb usually recognize them more quickly than most. Their aim is to help. They can be nice and they can be mean. They can do things in ways that are nearly imperceptible. They generally prefer to pull strings and covertly test others. They use their intelligence, but not obviously. There are as many varieties of Type B as Type A, but I am tired. Perhaps I will go into that later.
The main point here, is Type A spreads stupidity with intellect, while Type B spreads understanding with intellect. Recognize the difference and save yourself from some heartache.
Type A intellectuals are the ones who flaunt their thinking muscle in front of others as much as possible. They're showoffs and braggarts. They can be highly intelligent or fairly intelligent. It does not matter. They are the type to bring up random information for no discernible reason other than to boost their own ego. They are constantly telling everyone in earshot about what they've just learned or are currently learning. They make others feel bad with their knowledge. They use it as a weapon to put others down. They're full of themselves, total narcissists. They can vary in demeanor. You have the Arrogant, the Faux-Teacher, the Encyclopedia, the Helper, the Asshole, the Prick, the One-Upper, and the Bully.
The Arrogant is the one who thinks he's better than everyone else. The one who thinks he has no enemies. The one that believes everyone looks up to him because he's obviously smarter than everyone. Challenge his ego and beware. He absolutely refuses to see the truth. The Arrogants are profoundly annoying. If possible, they are best ignored.
The Faux-Teacher is the asshole who acts like a knowitall under the guise of spreading knowledge. Whenever he spews an unnecessary amount of information out in public, it's not because he's trying to put everyone down, it's because he wants to teach everyone something new, or so he says. Don't let these pricks fool you. Even if no one is paying attention, cares, or even if they already know the information, the Faux-Teacher will continue talking. They are best avoided or confronted very very bluntly. Tell them to shut the fuck up and be on your way. Do not indulge them.
The Encyclopedia is the fucker who knows a bit about everything. They aren't so bad, but they still suck. These are the bastards who constantly regurgitate tiny facts on every topic and object nearby. You can't talk to them about anything or take them anywhere because they consistently derail the conversation with bits of knowledge no one gives a fuck about. If that doesn't bother you, they can be okay as casual friends.
The Helper is the little shit who gives you way too much information whenever you need a simple answer. There is no such thing as a simple answer for them. You ask for the name of a movie and you'll get the entire biography of the director, the full names of all cast and crew, actor bios, and related films. Dealing with them is simple, do not ask them questions; ever.
The Asshole is very similar to the Arrogant, except the Asshole is way more intense. Everyone hates the Asshole. He believes it is because they are jealous, or joking. But no, everyone hates the fucking Asshole. The protection around his ego is indestructible. Unless you are prepared for a long, bloody war, give up and walk away. It's not worth it. Anything you say or do will only fuel their ego.
The Prick saves his bullshit until the worst possible time. He lives to put others down. He has no delusions about himself. He owns it. He is smart and he openly loves to make people feel stupid. He's a contemptible character, but at least he is honest. Advice: deal with it.
The One-Upper always feels challenged. He suffers from a compulsion to always prove his intelligence. If someone says anything remotely smart, expect a new piece of knowledge from the face-hole of this douche. Negative conditioning works well with them. Whenever they one-up someone, reprimand them or give them a disapproving look. When they understand what they're doing, praise them for holding their tongue. This generally works, especially if you are someone they care about, and are gentle with them. They can be great friends.
The Bully also has no delusions about himself. He hates everyone who doesn't know every bit of knowledge he knows and will not be shy to show it. He is aggressive and angry. The more intelligent the Bully is, the more of a fuckhead he is. Kick this guy's ass.
These are some, but not all of the kinds of people who use the gift of intelligence wrongly. They use intellect to make those around them feel stupid.
Type B on the other hand, use intelligence to legitimately help those around them. Others feel smarter and more capable around Type B. They spread knowledge where it is needed. You may not even realize a Type B is an intelligent person for some time. Their intellect shows itself in much more subtle ways. The very smart and the very dumb usually recognize them more quickly than most. Their aim is to help. They can be nice and they can be mean. They can do things in ways that are nearly imperceptible. They generally prefer to pull strings and covertly test others. They use their intelligence, but not obviously. There are as many varieties of Type B as Type A, but I am tired. Perhaps I will go into that later.
The main point here, is Type A spreads stupidity with intellect, while Type B spreads understanding with intellect. Recognize the difference and save yourself from some heartache.
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